Failed Suicide Attempt

I got a souvenir for my failed attempt at offing myself a few days ago.

This is not a post for sympathy, pity, “feel better”, “I’m so sorry” or judgement of any kind etc….etc….words fall flat when you’d rather be dead.

Suicide is a real thing. It’s a monster that hides in unseen cracks and pounces when you’re not looking. It puts you in handcuffs and controls your actions. Actions without feeling.

No one saw it coming, I didn’t see it coming.

Yes, dead……..and if you’ve never felt the yearning for that final peace, consider yourself lucky. If you’ve never felt hopeless to the point of seeing only blackness, consider yourself lucky. If life has never felt so heavy that your tired body can no longer carry it, consider yourself lucky. If you have felt these things I see you, I understand you…………..

Something snapped in my brain. Broke into a million shards of self hatred, discontent, unanswered questions, an ocean of shame that is no longer swimmable.

I was on a walk, came home and……….

I slammed a handful of klonopin, a handful of sonata, and an entire bottle of muscle relaxers. Downed them all with a glass of wine.

I sent my 4 kids a text letting them know I love them more than life and I will forever be sorry for the may times I’ve hurt and disappointed them. They are my world.

The next thing I remember is waking up in a weird place with magenta scrubs on. My first sentence “Where the FUCK are my underwear. Which one of you assholes took my underwear off?”(being a rape victim your undies are your most prized possession in life)

Then a squad of police officers put me in a van. The driver was a woman and was listening to heavy metal music. If I had the energy I would have pounded on the glass and screamed “Bitch! I just tried to kill myself, enough with the death metal you stupid cunt.”

Once at the mental health facility I had to completely undress in front of 3 nurses so they could check me for bruises. It was humiliating and I told them to just let me fucking get dressed.

They put me in a room with nothing on the walls, 2 plastic beds (think crib mattress) 1 pillow and a chair. The blankets on the bed were thinner than my favorite threadbare t-shirt. I cranked the heater up to 90.

The first doctor came in. She began her spiel that was clearly scripted. You know the one she says to every new patient. I said “Have you ever slept on one of these shitty beds?”

Her face went blank. “um no, I haven’t”

“Well, it should be a requirement for all the staff to sleep in one for at least a night. We are people here, not animals that can sleep on anything. And by the way I’m done listening to your scripted spiel, kindly get the fuck out of my room. This place is depressing and disgusting and I can’t believe you think you can actually help someone who’s hurting by putting them in a prison cell.”

“Um, we’ve been told this is a very nice facility.”

“Well it’s not, now get out of my disgusting room”

I was there 2 days. Refused food, refused meds and refused vitamins. At one point I tried to escape.

They let me go because I’m on Medicaid, government cheese. I lied to all their questions and said I was fine because people on Medicaid are treated differently than those with higher paying insurance.

Our landlord is pissed that I’ve been “exposed” to the coronavirus. He wants us out by the 1st because I’m now a liability. He doesn’t want to be responsible for a dead body. All the neighbors know and god forbid he’s embarrassed I’m here.

The terrible truth is that I’m pissed someone found me too soon. Life gives me an exhaustion to heavy to bear. There are too many problems to fix and I can’t see a way out of them.

I don’t care if you think suicide is selfish. It’s not. It’s an answer for problems that are too big. It’s rest. Maybe you think I’m a whiny ungrateful bitch, so be it.

Do You Forget You’re an Introvert?

Came across this video from last summer

I did it again.

I forgot I’m an introvert.

Fuck.

Introversion is NOT shyness.

I am not a shy person. I’m more of an extroverted invert.

I become drained from socializing. It doesn’t matter who the person or people are. The only way I can recharge is by being alone, getting lost in my thoughts, doing something creative etc. I have to desensitize.

In a world of misconceptions about introversion, I fell head first into an “introvert hangover”. We’ve had Jases’s girls here for almost 3 weeks. I love them to pieces, they are wonderful and fun, but I was underprepared.

Here are the signs of an introvert hangover. I’m experiencing ALL of them, and I thought it was my hormones, BUT, that time has passed and I’m still a lunatic:

  • Everything is getting on your nerves
  • You’re struggling to make decisions
  • You can’t think clearly
  • Your speech changes
  • You feel physically unwell
  • You’re tired
  • You’re zoning out
  • You feel anxious
  • You feel depressed
  • You’re not acting like your normal self
  • You can’t do polite chitchat anymore
  • You have an intense desire to be alone

I came across Introvert Dear and am binge reading the articles. Nothing compares to feeling understood and being able to explain to your loved ones why you’re acting like some one took a tweezer to your short and curly’s.

The Post With No Name

Cricket. Our cat.

She’s quite a character. Notice in the video I was painting a cat.

I’ve had a sore throat for days and I feel like someone ran me over, put the truck in reverse and did a doughnut over my flattened body. Could be an Epstein Barr flare, the virus that keeps on giving. I certainly don’t need the coronavirus on top of EBV.

The day before yesterday, Jase and I took our daily hike with Cricket and it felt like I had cinderblocks strapped to my limbs.

I don’t feel intense body pain, so thankful for that. I spoke to my ketamine doctor over the phone. She said since I did so well, they would like to maintain my results with a once a month infusion after the coronavirus blows over.

On top of being hormonal, feeling physically ill is triggering some depressed feelings. I’m not worried about anything, but it’s pulled my “corona routine” out from under me. I currently feel numb. Flatlined.

I know I need to honor the fact my body needs rest. I also know my sanity needs routine and some sort of plan. No one is going to make a suitable plan but me. I must stick to what I know, regardless of how dead I currently feel.

#1 Make a blog post, it’s been 3 days since my last

#2 Shower. I get points for the fact I’ve changed my underwear and put on fresh jammies. It’s now time for the pits, tits and ass rinse. My hair (it tickles my ass crack when I pee) truly needs some attention. There’s a dreadlock forming that will require a half gallon of conditioner.

#3 Meditate and journal. I know that I know that I know these practices are essential to my mental health.

#4 Paint some rocks. My new addiction. This I have been doing daily for the past week. It brings me calm. My 2 oldest boys are camping in the backcountry. They put their painted rocks outside their tents. Well, if that doesn’t put a lump in my throat, freakin kids making me cry. I made them similar rocks so there would be no fighting. They are 25 and 23 hahah 🙂

#5 Get outside. Even if I don’t have the energy to walk, fresh air is the best vitamin for me.

#6 Stick to proper meal times. It doesn’t matter if all I can stomach is crackers and tea. Keep a schedule Mare.

#7 Speak up when your mind starts looping. I am a skilled magician when it comes to the disappearing act, folding within myself and glazing over like a zombie. Last time I checked, Jase is a skilled listener and generous with hugs and affection. His exact words “Use me baby!”

#8 Take a nap.

You get the idea. Basic self care.

Why is it always the first to go when I feel like shit?

Hold on to Your F~ing Hat

This month I feel like I popped an Annuale.

My anxiety and frustration feel volcanic.

Doesn’t help that I cleaned someone’s home yesterday and over polished their copper sinks. They look like shiny new pennies and the home owners seemed pissed. I can’t stop thinking about it. They are literally being blinded by their sinks every time they brush their teeth. I need to put an end to cleaning million dollar homes……..I can’t handle the stress of fucking up.

Sounds so petty with all that’s going on in the world.

I tried a glass of wine last night. My first since Ketamine. It made things worse. I’m kind of glad as it will keep me from going back to 2 drinks a night.

Gotta ride out the storm and deal with my crazy. This too shall pass.

Kick Up Your Heels: Ketamine

If you’re new to this journey, today is the 4th Ketamine infusion for pain relief. Welcome to the ride!

Today we are driving an hour and a half as my infusion was sent to the wrong clinic. I am listening to the above song to calm my nerves and open my heart. I am anxious about being in a new space with staff that I don’t know.

Akaal Literal meaning is a timeless being, intelligent and caring

I can’t help but wonder if they’ve been warned about Jase and I! Have they been filled in on my constant talking and laughing while under Ketamine? Are they ready for the outpouring of love headed to their clinic?

That being said I am energetic and excited.

I TOOK A PAIN FREE WALK OUTSIDE YESTERDAY!!!!! MY LEGS WERE WOBBLY BUT MY MIND WANTED TO RUN. RUN……RUN….RUN….I FELT LIGHT AND FREE….THE WORLD SEEMED NEW AND FRESH.

Hope you all have an enlightened day…….I’m off to the land of love and laughter and hopefully no vomit.

Stop The Dizzying Direction Dilema

The many directions are dizzying.

Do this, do that, go here, don’t go there, try this not that………read this, listen to that………be mindful, eat well, exercise, work hard but don’t forget self care……..

Spinning in the circle of opinions and advice is nauseating business.

There are things we believe and truths that we know.

Truth comes from experience. No one can argue you out of your own experience. Your experience, that’s concrete.

Beliefs…..hmmmm now those are shape shifting little buggars.

For years I believed the medication highway was not for me. I believed in meditation, not medication. Oh how those beliefs are a shiftin!

I have tried more medications in the past 5 months than in all of my 44 years on this planet, and in 2 weeks I’m going to have Ketamine infusions.

Truth is: I’m miserable. My body is wracked with pain from head to toe. I feel like I’m dragging it though quick sand. Laying down is the only thing that provides a little relief. It hurts to move.

I’ve exercised, eaten healthy, consumed top of the line supplements, meditated, stretched, gotten rest, listened to and read spiritual text etc…for most of my adult years. I began searching for optimal health in body, mind and spirit in my early 20’s.

My truth tells me: SO FUCKING WHAT!?

Do I believe that those things are “good”? Am I still participating in these activities. Sure do and sure am but my truth tells me something different.

My truth tells me: YOU HAVE NO COTROL

I read this today: “Do not despair, then, because of limitations. It is your function to escape from them, but not to be with out them. If you would be heard by those who suffer, you must speak their language.

I’ve never taken the time to learn a foreign language but I’m being taught one against my will.

I suppose it’s time to let go and listen.