Hey Hey Hey It’s Ketamine Time

photo by me

Holy hell.

Ketamine infusions begin today and go through Thursday.

8 am till noon.

Four hours, four days in a row.

I put together a 4 hour playlist of meditations on healing along with healing sounds.

I figure why not become a partner with the Ketamine. Welcome it into this vessel known as my body. Come on in and rewire my nervous system, please and thank you. I promise I’ve been meditating, focusing on my breath, and training my brain to work though the pain. Welcome to the party, Ketamine, do your thing!

I’ve been wide awake since 3:30 am. It’s now 5:30. I spent the last 2 hours laughing at old videos of the kids and Jase going all the way back to 2016. I was mostly pain free and a bundle of energy. The pain has been a silent phantom slowly making itself a member of the family.

Sipping on coffee and heavy whipping cream (yes, it is sin in a mug) I’m imagining waking up and moving through the day without a burning sensation in every muscle and joint. Without tingling and numbness through my body. Trying to remember what it feels like to move effortlessly.

I’m also hoping I can relax enough to poop before we have to leave. Shut up, everyone poops and we all feel better after a good one, and I certainly don’t need to drag a ketamine I.V. into the shitter along with a nurse making sure I can wipe my ass while in a psychedelic frame of mind………or god forbid fall off the toilet and crack my head on the toilet paper dispenser.

Anyhoo, I’ll try to post my experiences over the next few days. Hoping for embarrassment free infusions……..fingers crossed……

Sloshy Gratitude

photo by me

Our lives are made up of numerous journeys. Together they make a whole.

Look upon others. Pause. Consider the chapters with in their lives. The chapters in your own life.

What chapter are you in dear reader?

Is the pen in your hand or do you feel as if it’s in another’s?

Both?

Focus on your breath, inhabit your body. Appreciate all that you are.

Dip into the well of gratitude. Don’t be stingy.

Fill it so that it sloshes as you carry it, soaking your feet, leaving imprints of gratitude in the places you travel. Share it with others.

Today, as you catch yourself holding your breath or tensing your shoulders against the heaviness, focus on one breath and remember you matter.

Ranty McRanter

Photo by me while driving.

Split personality?

Wrestling with how to live what you know?

Caught of guard by emotions that bubble up and words that fly from your lips………especially after you’ve taken the time to do your “inner work”?

In my minds eye I see heavy chains with impossible pad locks. The feeling of being bound sounds like static in my brain.

There’s a knowing beating in my heart. It sends out hope from the deep recess of my soul.

This knowing holds the key to the padlocks.

LET GO……….LET GO…….LET GO…….LET GO……

The picture above was taken a few days ago on my way to work. I’ve been hungrily gnawing at the truth that Spirit is not separate from us.

It is us.

There is no Santa Claus in the sky handing out party favors to the well behaved saints and laughing at others who are groveling in the dirt begging to be plucked from scarcity.

What sort of madness have we been taught as children? To believe in a Higher Power that we must bargain with, behave for, and serve….……………A Power that we are separate from? A Power that pooped us into existence and said “Figure out how to live. If you happen to get it right, there’s a reward for you in the end. ”

I could type for years about the misguided rot we’ve been spoon fed. It’s churning in my gut, curdling into a mass that is worthy of the sewer.

There is nothing any of us can do to become worthy of life. We already are.

Focus On What You CAN DO

Photo by me

There’s a list in your mind of what you have to do, want to do, should do etc etc etc

As humans we are familiar with brain sludge and feeling like there’s not enough time to get it all done.

Through illness I’ve learned to write down what I have done.

It’s less oppressive to fill a page in your own time frame than to have an already full page of tasks you may or may not have the ability to get to.

It gives you a feeling of capability.

Focusing on what you can do, is the equipment needed to navigate the ever changing landscape of an unpredictable illness.

Transitioning from land to water.

The above is my 16 year old son focused on what he can do with the right equipment.

Reminds me of possibilities.

Reminds me to focus on what I can do and not on what I’ve lost.

I’m Friggin Rich

Photo by me

Though I have yet to find a pot of gold and dance wildly with leprechauns, sighting a rainbow is a magical event.

On second thought………….

There are two pots of gold across from me on the couch. I call them Jase and Cricket. Well, sometimes I call them asshole and turd ferguson.

I found many pots of gold at my retail job today in my co-workers and customers whom I can joke and laugh with.

AND in the conversation with a bestie almost 1,000 miles away on my drive in.

Come to think of it, another pal in Arizona that messaged me I’ll be getting a book Monday and another who consistently checks in on me.

AND my eldest son and his girlfriend brought us pizza and tiramisu on Sunday along with completing a 1,000 piece jig saw puzzle with us.

Of course I have to mention we are all wealthier with blogs from : Kate, Goldie, Robin, V, Pooja G, Kacha, Ashley and so many more!

Holy Shit, I’m fucking RICH………oh wait……there’s no leprechauns…..

Clean Out The Ears in Your Heart

photo by me

Well hey there faith.

You look a little cold, a bit buried under the snow, as if you might be hibernating.

Your faith is in your hands. It belongs to you and is your responsibility.

Your soul is at the center. It is without time, place or circumstance. It is eternal. Infinite……………..connected to source energy.

Letting go of all you think you know is the most important “task” you will ever accomplish.

Do you hear it?

The quiet whisper?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act without doing;
Work without effort.
Think of the small as large
and the few as many.
Confront the difficult
While it is still easy;
accomplish the great task
by a series of small acts.

The Master never reaches for the great;
thus he achieves greatness.
When he runs into a difficulty,
He stops and gives himself to it.
He doesn’t cling to his own comfort;
thus problems are no problem for him.

Tao Te Ching, 63

Fur The Love Of The Herd

Thanks fur the laughs my freinds

We had the pleasure of running into these lovely ladies on a drive today.

I needed to get out of the house and my head. Needed a break from pain and fatigue.

After driving though a manicured subdivision, this unlikely herd was just what I needed to pull me out of the spiral I started to drown in at the sight of more construction. For fuck’s sake, let’s not go there.

I’ve never fit into a manicured lifestyle.

When I was married and raising my family I made every attempt to look like I belonged there, but in my heart I longed for the unkept herd with the patchy fur and bad haircuts.

The herd not afraid to lick their nostrils with their tongue, instead of those fenced in by societies expectations.

The herd not afraid to let the grass grow wild because that meant more wild flowers, instead of those afraid of what the HOA and the neighbor’s would think.

There’s nothing wrong with any lifestyle, but it can feel all wrong if you’re not where you’re meant to be.

Hell, I have a son who felt like an alien in his body and he’s doing something about it.

I know and love people in many herds.

After we drove a bit, Jase, not knowing any of the dialogue in my brain, said “Hey Mare? When we have more money, will we still live a small life?”

Me: “Oh. Hell. Yes. Honey. Oh, hell yes”…………….