Smell Me Through Your Screen

It’s our 8 week camp~a~versary. We are crusty in all the right places.

I don’t doubt you can smell me through the screen. My last “bath” was in a green algae laden river that induced a panic attack. It broke so many of my personal rules. Yet, there I stood in my unflattering one piece, water up to my knees (that’s as deep as I could go before my heart would stop). I stood as only an adult toddler could, rinsing my body and hair with a cup.

It’s been a month since my last post. We’ve been camping for 56 nights and have paid for 1 night of camping and 5 hotel stays. Our favorite app is I Overlander for free camping. Pretty sure there’s not an app for free hotel stays……..yet.

Saving money on rent during a pandemic has never been so much fun. Ask us how we feel about it once winter shows up.

We’ve done and seen some great things since the last post. The least great being Las Vegas, I have laid my curiosity to rest for all eternity. I prefer being smelled through the screen.

Drumroll Please

My worksheet from this morning. Am I 5? I suppose a 5 year old would have worded it differently. Why did my immature scribble feel so good?

I woke up angry, depressed and overwhelmed. My “hot thought” being “I hate life.”

Some day’s I feel like a preschooler. Throwing unintellectual tantrums in my head. A philosophical dead zone.

When Jase woke up he brought me down a few notches and had me write out a list of things I enjoy.

Then, I got on a rant about seeing the quote “The quality of your life is in the quality of your habits” and the white hot anger came spewing out of me on how I viewed it………………

He said “Honey, this time has taken you, you have not taken it. This time has chosen you to work on your mental health. It is the most productive thing you could be doing right now. Wouldn’t the world be a much more peaceful place if we would stop commenting on other peoples lives and just focus on living our own? Does it really matter who’s doing what with the time they have?”

He’s right.

A Tripped Out Love Fest: Ketamine Day One

photo by me

Fear not! I went poop before my first Ketamine infusion. If you’ve been following along, that makes sense.

When I arrived at the pain clinic, they had me take an anti~nausea and anti~anxiety.

The young gal assigned to hooking me up to the EKG and blood pressure cuff consulted her phone incessantly for tips on where to place the EKG leads. WHAT???!!!!!!

The I.V. was inserted by the doc, and thanks to my cooperative veins, was a cinch. The doc seemed alarmingly relieved.

Once hooked up, I got cozy with my pillows, Jase popped on the Bose headphones and I went for a tripped out ride.

My body gradually felt warm, and numb. I couldn’t tell whether my eyes were open or closed and began to see what can only be described as shape shifting sandy landscapes in the color of deep purple. At times I felt upside down or as if my chair was floating through the ceiling. It was oddly comforting. I couldn’t feel a negative emotion.

I recall being filled with so much love I thought I was going to burst. I wanted everyone to know I loved them. Jase said I kept asking for his hand and that I was yelling out loving things. I remember asking about all the kids and wanting them to know I loved them. Fear not! Jase will write a post from his point of view in the future.

About 2 hours in my blood pressure went through the roof and I had to pee. That is something I’d like to avoid during todays treatment. Jase had to hold me on the toilet and wipe for me…….thank goodness I got all my pooping done before the treatment.

Four hours felt like 5 minutes, but a long 5 minutes. At the end I began sweating profusely and felt extremely nauseous. As soon as I got outside I had to vomit.

The 45 minute ride home is a blur. Jase carried me inside and again had to vomit. I slept till about 3, had some applesauce and crackers then back in bed till 6.

I watched a cooking show, ate some soup and went back to bed.

Anxious about round 2 today……..waiting to poop. Jase is a trooper for staying with me through 4 hours of la la land. His presence there was the most comforting feeling I’ve ever experienced. I remember wanting to hug him forever and kept telling him how much I loved him.

Ranty McRanter

Photo by me while driving.

Split personality?

Wrestling with how to live what you know?

Caught of guard by emotions that bubble up and words that fly from your lips………especially after you’ve taken the time to do your “inner work”?

In my minds eye I see heavy chains with impossible pad locks. The feeling of being bound sounds like static in my brain.

There’s a knowing beating in my heart. It sends out hope from the deep recess of my soul.

This knowing holds the key to the padlocks.

LET GO……….LET GO…….LET GO…….LET GO……

The picture above was taken a few days ago on my way to work. I’ve been hungrily gnawing at the truth that Spirit is not separate from us.

It is us.

There is no Santa Claus in the sky handing out party favors to the well behaved saints and laughing at others who are groveling in the dirt begging to be plucked from scarcity.

What sort of madness have we been taught as children? To believe in a Higher Power that we must bargain with, behave for, and serve….……………A Power that we are separate from? A Power that pooped us into existence and said “Figure out how to live. If you happen to get it right, there’s a reward for you in the end. ”

I could type for years about the misguided rot we’ve been spoon fed. It’s churning in my gut, curdling into a mass that is worthy of the sewer.

There is nothing any of us can do to become worthy of life. We already are.

Focus On What You CAN DO

Photo by me

There’s a list in your mind of what you have to do, want to do, should do etc etc etc

As humans we are familiar with brain sludge and feeling like there’s not enough time to get it all done.

Through illness I’ve learned to write down what I have done.

It’s less oppressive to fill a page in your own time frame than to have an already full page of tasks you may or may not have the ability to get to.

It gives you a feeling of capability.

Focusing on what you can do, is the equipment needed to navigate the ever changing landscape of an unpredictable illness.

Transitioning from land to water.

The above is my 16 year old son focused on what he can do with the right equipment.

Reminds me of possibilities.

Reminds me to focus on what I can do and not on what I’ve lost.

I’m Friggin Rich

Photo by me

Though I have yet to find a pot of gold and dance wildly with leprechauns, sighting a rainbow is a magical event.

On second thought………….

There are two pots of gold across from me on the couch. I call them Jase and Cricket. Well, sometimes I call them asshole and turd ferguson.

I found many pots of gold at my retail job today in my co-workers and customers whom I can joke and laugh with.

AND in the conversation with a bestie almost 1,000 miles away on my drive in.

Come to think of it, another pal in Arizona that messaged me I’ll be getting a book Monday and another who consistently checks in on me.

AND my eldest son and his girlfriend brought us pizza and tiramisu on Sunday along with completing a 1,000 piece jig saw puzzle with us.

Of course I have to mention we are all wealthier with blogs from : Kate, Goldie, Robin, V, Pooja G, Kacha, Ashley and so many more!

Holy Shit, I’m fucking RICH………oh wait……there’s no leprechauns…..

Clean Out The Ears in Your Heart

photo by me

Well hey there faith.

You look a little cold, a bit buried under the snow, as if you might be hibernating.

Your faith is in your hands. It belongs to you and is your responsibility.

Your soul is at the center. It is without time, place or circumstance. It is eternal. Infinite……………..connected to source energy.

Letting go of all you think you know is the most important “task” you will ever accomplish.

Do you hear it?

The quiet whisper?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act without doing;
Work without effort.
Think of the small as large
and the few as many.
Confront the difficult
While it is still easy;
accomplish the great task
by a series of small acts.

The Master never reaches for the great;
thus he achieves greatness.
When he runs into a difficulty,
He stops and gives himself to it.
He doesn’t cling to his own comfort;
thus problems are no problem for him.

Tao Te Ching, 63

Stop Should~ing On Yourself and Others

What good is it when you find yourself in a precarious situation and exclaim “I SHOULD have done it differently!”

Why should on yourself like that?

All the shoulding in the world, will not, can not, change the fact that you did it the way you did it, and you are in the situation NOW.

What’s done is done.

Let us also put and end to shoulding on others.

“I think you SHOULD do it this way.”……………”You SHOULD have done what I suggested.”…………..”I told you so.” ……..”Why can’t you do it like me.”

The past is the past. It happened. No one can change the past.

There are Should have’s from the past, Should have’s for the future and Should be’s for the present moment.

Can we remove the shame of shoulding on ourselves and others?

We hold tightly to our shoulds.

Our parents, our exes, our friends, and children should have done it differently.

News flash: THEY CANT DO IT DIFFRENTLY.

No one on the face of this planet can go back and change the choices they’ve made, and we hold the power to give others the benefit of the doubt that they did the best with what they had, knew and felt at the time.

AND we hold the power to forgive ourselves. I here by excuse you from the shoulds you have weighing on your shoulders.

Poof! You’re a million pounds lighter.

~ Funny story about the above pictures. This past Thursday, I was backing down the drive and my truck slid into a pickle. It took us all day to get it out and ended up destroying the fence. The miracle is my front tire was an inch from the edge of the deck wall. My truck could have rolled over onto the deck and into the house. Miracles do happen and Jase never once told me what I “SHOULD” have done. ~

Follow The Sun

Somehow the light gets in.

We have dark spaces with in. No one, I repeat no one is alone in this.

I am thankful for the moments in life that have cultivated awareness and compassion.

Times that have knocked me off the “high horse” I’ve so arrogantly put myself on again and again. When I boast about all I “know”. When my mouth is a loud beacon beckoning others to see the world as I see it.

I’m thankful that the Universe keeps kicking my ass.

It was simply my ego’s attempt at trying to be special, to stand out among the rest.

There is no standing out.

There is equality. We are together. We are ONE with the Universe, dancing to the rhythm of life. Each of us hearing our own drummer. We were each given our own tune.

Put and end to dancing to someone else’s tune.

You’re unique rhythm is in your heart dear friend.

Here’s a favorite song of mine. I appreciate the lyrics:

When you feel life coming down on you,
Like a heavy weight
When you feel this crazy society,
Adding to the strain
Take a stroll to the nearest waters
And remember your place
Many moons have risen and fallen long, long before you came

So which way is the wind blowin’,
And what does your heart say?

It’s OK To Lose Your Focus

Ever feel like a loser?

Like you waste your seconds, minutes, hours, days?

Placing labels on your momentary loss of focus?

Saying things like “I wasted an entire day by feeling miserable and doing nothing.”……….”I’m such a fuck up.”…………..”I never do anything right.”……………..”Why does this always happen to me?”

Do you get caught up in the loop? Unable to see anything other than your perceived mistakes?

Once in the loop, it’s not enough to dwell on the imperfections of the current day, the mind must dig up the corpses from the past.

By the day’s end your brain is a tossed salad of rotting produce. You crawl into bed with a gaping hole in the center of your being. A vortex of black where you’re sure your heart is meant to be. A nameless fear clinging to your gut.

Errors, mistakes, lapses in judgment………all they need is simple correction. We mustn’t hold them in our grasp trying to solve them as if they were a puzzle.

We can set them down and walk away.

They are simply attempts to keep you unaware of your True Self.

Dwelling on our perceived mistakes, puts them in a place of power. All we are doing is delaying our learning. We clog our senses and can no longer hear the soft whispers of the Universe.

The greatest harm we do to ourselves is to remain in the loop.

Take a flying leap my friend! Redirect your course and move forward.

It’s merely a momentary loss of focus.

{Photo above by me}