Bloom Baby Bloom: Ketamine Day 4

Saw this beauty before my infusions started…spring!

I slipped and fell on my way to the car at 6 am yesterday.

It had been raining and the deck looked wet. It was pure ice and I went down hard on my right side. It’s laughable really. Headed to Ketamine to treat pain. All one can do is laugh.

With traffic we drove close to 2 hours to the clinic that had hijacked my infusion. They are affiliated with my original clinic. Lo and behold they are in the middle of a move as well.

Miss cranky pants with the yellow aura from my second infusion was there. I could feel her embarrassment when she saw us and I didn’t want it to turn into hardness. At the end of this infusion as I was coming out of it I was determined to speak with her. With my numb face I called to her: Jeminifer….ib yer nabe jeminifer? She came and spoke with us for a long while and she’s quite lovely. I told her about her aura, yellow is joyful and intelligent and felt relieved to look her in the eye and exchange a genuine smile. We found out she has 5 children…….well fuck, no wonder she was in a shit mood the other day.

I had a new doctor. His aura was gray and murky but not scary. I could feel his overwhelming confusion toward life. The gal at the front desk was brimming with pure white light and was a delight.

And my Jase was purple. He’s not a fan of the color purple. Well too fucking bad, purple suits him quite well.

So that’s that. I had 4 infusions this week increasing from 200 mg to 400 mg. And now I wait. They say it can take a couple weeks to see the full effect.

I’m pleased that the primary emotion I felt all week was overwhelming love for myself and for others.

Outwardly life as I know it has not changed, inwardly I know it has.

I’ll leave you with this:

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” — Zen Kōan

A Chocolatey Chippy Marshmallow Ride: Ketamine Day 2

All I know about yesterday is I didn’t get sick. There was no vomit. I listened to calm piano music this time as I felt the voices in the meditations yesterday really fucked with my head. Lesson learned.

Jase was nice enough to take videos of me pretending to be our cat Cricket, another of me talking about everything being mint chocolate chip marshmallows, my son Archie and I taking a ride and he said I asked about the kids every 30 seconds for an hour straight.

At one point Jase felt like hooking himself up to my I.V. just to deal with my excessive rambling about how much I loved everyone.

I slept the rest of the day. Today I feel very out of it. We are heading out for the 3rd treatment soon.

As far as helping with the pain, not a clue, I feel like a floating body.

I miss reading everyone’s blogs, hope all is well and thank you for reading and for your support. It means a lot.

Your Truth Is Yours And It’s Beautiful

My heart is a tangle of thoughts, emotions, experiences, circumstances, and beliefs.

Stuck in a web of spiritual knowing and medical information.

This journey so far has unveiled that I never enter into deep sleep, there’s a cyst on my spinal column, vitamin deficiencies and Epstein Barr Virus.

We learned of the spinal cyst this week. It explains why my hiking and running abilities have slowly diminished. Why riding a bike is nearly impossible. Walking up stairs requires such mental focus.

They can run tests on my nerves to see the extent of the damage. I can also speak to a neurosurgeon.

So, here I sit.

More blood work is scheduled, I have an appointment with a pain management clinic etc…….I am on sleep meds to reset my body and hopefully get it back into deep sleep. I have a candy store of muscle relaxers, vitamins, and some weird pain med.

As I type, the entire left side of my body is numb and tingling. There’s aching and burning in all muscles and joints. My eyes feel sunken in and my face feels like it’s sliding off. My feet are frozen, my hands are hot.

I have 2 choices.

#1: Focus on all the sensations and go stark raving mad. Dive head first into anger and hatred over how my meat suit feels. How I feel betrayed by the body I thought I was taking care of with exercise and nutrition. Resistance at its’ finest.

#2: Accept what is, breathe deeply, and focus on what I know to be true for me.

MY TRUTH.

My truth can not be taken from me.

I do believe the key to surviving the human experience is to find your truth. Find it, cling to it, understand that it’s yours, and if you tend to it, it will grow deeper and more beautiful over time.

In a world where numerous beliefs are circulating, you have the right to find what is true for you without making anyone else wrong. (I am guilty of going though a phase of thinking I had it all figured out.)

A belief that says “this is the ONLY way” is a belief of fear and controll.

That’s all I have for today. Be well, be kind, and find something to laugh about.

Thank you for reading.

Being Bland Is Beautiful

Photo by me: “Bobcat Ridge” near our home

Do you ever feel “bland”?

It’s how I describe my mood and life at the moment.

I appreciate bland. For years I’ve been a “seeker”, looking for answers, looking for hobbies, looking for “IT”.

I’ve been addicted to novelty and the adrenaline rush of newness. I’ve never been settled.

It’s safe to say most of us go through a seeking phase in our youth. Feeling compelled to carve out who we are. Stand out. Be seen.

For years I sought physical and spiritual perfection. Subconsciously I wanted to prove I deserved to be here. I look back and chuckle at my antics.

Here I am with failing health, barely able to keep weight on my little body. I fluctuate between anger and gratitude.

I’m grateful for the slowing down. I’m letting go of fear, letting go of control, letting go of everything I thought I knew.

I am reminded that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I am learning to be quiet and listen to Source.

Source is what I refer to as the “non-physical presence”. Call it whatever you want. God, Buddha, Universe. It’s all the same. I prefer Source.

I’m thankful for the stillness within, it’s why I feel bland. It’s a stark contrast to my constant “doing” that I’m accustomed to.

I have a feeling that my being forced to slow down will be one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Here’s a song by Rising Appalachia that I’m currently addicted to. They are sisters with powerful lyrics and music.

Going To Seed

Photo by me

You there. Yes, you……..

You have gone to seed.

You may not be the ripe, flourishing beauty you once were, but how lovely is your depth.

Your seeds carry life. Your DNA written on each one.

You were planted from a seed and over time became an individual, yet still part of the many seeds before you.

Looking up the phrase “going to seed” produces negative idioms: to decline or fall apart. To become worn or shabby.

Aren’t we all going to seed? None of us are aging backwards.

As we decline into old age, what will be left?

I’ve been a negative asshole the past 2 days. Weary of feeling like shit, I’ve been dropping seeds of negativity like a rabbit with colitis.

Chronic pain has turned me into a complaining slob. I’m obese with the seeds of anxiety and worry.

My head is spinning from tests and more doctor referrals. I’m dizzy from riding the same unicorn on the medical merry go round.

Eventually the weeds I’ve planted will choke out the wild flowers that are my heart. The weeds will turn into reins and capture this wild mare………..

Where the fuck are my gardening gloves? It’s time to get to work.

Significance Of A Turkey

You can’t make this shit up.

Synchronicity is happening all the time.

Where to begin? Are you ready for a run on sentence?

Dropping my son at the airport, visiting his older brother, weaving in and out of the concrete jungle, having an “out of body moment” while observing materialism, “Jase, I can literally feel the earth breathing under all that has been built upon it. I’m so sad for the earth, I can feel it groaning. The world is going to hell in a handbasket.” Getting home, feeling so stripped down emotionally, and not just about the world at large but my own little world, can’t stop crying, naked, vulnerable, anxiety, panic, and fear so intense my chest feels like it’s going to explode. Thinking how unimportant I am, and think “Kate the poet is important”, go and read her latest poem and it’s about the irony of being important/unimportant, Wake up, read a post about moms making a stink over happy meal toys because they were concerned about the environment, part of my response: “Hey there crazy moms, how about you stop buying fast food, grow a garden, milk a cow, and put up a chicken coop all with recycled items. Get your frantic asses to the landfill and build yourself an empire! Now that would be newsworthy.” Head to the hospital for a brain MRI during which I decide to meditate and the vision that appears is me, part of the earth, covered in mud, with the roots of trees wrapped around my limbs, me, in perfect peace, I hear “you are a daughter of the universe, fix your crown”, to the bank to pay rent, the sweet teller so lost in her mind and seeing us as NEXT, doesn’t get our jokes until minutes later and then finally makes eye contact, go get an oil change, all the while feeling the discomfort of how lost people are, seeing everyone looking at their phones with their perfect nails, hair and clothing, T.V.’s in every waiting room full of Christmassy bullshit, and how to loose weight BEFORE the holiday, what, we are starting before the holiday now, if only we could loose the weight of nonsense that we buy into, read another poem by my favorite poet, her blog is a thousand bits of paper, if you’re interested, the poem, on how fleeting our lives are, so fitting for what I’m observing. Go home and see the wild turkey’s that I see EVERYDAY, but today I feel like photographing them, today I feel a connection to the god damned turkeys, I feel love for them, go about the rest of the day, talk to Jase about Carl Jung, sit down to blog, hmmm I wonder what the spiritual meaning of a turkey is, what a random fucking thought:

The Turkey is all about the fullness of life and feeling content with what we have instead of accumulating material belongings.

The Turkey is about honoring nature and the Earth. It’s a symbol of abundance. This bad ass bird encourages us to honor our nourishment: physical, emotional and spiritual. The turkey is about having a relationship with the land and our environment.

You lovely fucking bird. Not to mention it was thanksgiving a few days ago, we ate tofu green curry, REALLY thankful for that.

Synchronicity at it’s finest. And who do you think came up with the concept of Synchronicity, Carl Jung.

I personally did not know that, I looked it up, AFTER Jase and I had just been talking about Carl Jung and “shadow” work.

Tonight I feel comfort. A lot was spoken in the past 24 hours and not because I’m important or special, but by some stroke of divine light my heart was listening. What I heard my have zero impact on you.

BUT

I needed to be reminded of the fact that WE ARE HELD.

WE ARE HELD by something much larger than what we can comprehend.

Freaking In

Photo by me

Unsettled days leave you fidgety in body and mind. Looking for a release. It’s too early to have a glass of wine. If you have a glass at 2pm that’s called escapism. Wait until 5, you won’t feel as guilty.

There’s nothing I want to do. Plenty I should do. I’m lacking in energy from having worked 6 days this week.

My head swirls with anxiety. I laugh at my awkwardness. It’s comical to watch myself as an outsider. Look at the unsettled mid lifer in her flannel pajamas. She reads a book for 5 mins……..scrubs the shower for 10……..sits on the deck and stares at a tree……opens the fridge…….closes the fridge……what is this mediocre mountain mama waiting for…..searching for?????

Being an adult sucks dick.

There’s no one around to give you ideas or tell you what to do. Life can become a shapeless blob. There’s no structure unless you give it structure. No one is going to save you.

If you’re a wise, conscious adult, you see the futility of the structure and everything feels like a fucking waste of time. Gone are the days of naivety. You’ve lived too much. Seen too much.

In your spiritual little heart of hearts you know everything matters, everything is connected and nothing is wasted.

Where’s my fucking wine glass?