Good Luck Predicting Your Future

photo by me

Could you have predicted your future 10 years ago?

I can’t.

I try.

Where were you 10 years ago?

I was married with 4 children, moving from my hometown in IL to an even smaller town in WI. If you would have asked me what life would look like in 10 years my answer would have been: “Pretty much the same except the kids are older.”

WRONG

FAST FORWARD 10 YEARS:

A divorced minimalist, living in Colorado, renting a fully furnished cabin on the side of a mountain with a super hot boyfriend. Working my ass off, broke as hell with confusing health issues. Two of my grown boys live with in an hour of me. I have a transgender son 4 months into transition while in his 3rd year of college, and my youngest back in IL chomping at the bit to move to Colorado when he turns 18 because I can’t afford it and his dad won’t fund it.

I could not have predicted my future. The anxiety and worry didn’t do a damn thing except sap my energy and joy.

How do you cope with the peculiar dance of life? Have you found strategies that work for you? Anything to calm the anxiety?

We will face unknowns. We find ourselves in situations we didn’t plan or ask for. (except for the hot boyfriend, I asked specifically for that )

I look at Jase’s parents who spent their lives working hard, planning for their retirement now in their 70’s. His dad with early onset dementia didn’t leave his bedroom all day and insists on walking around with one shoe. They are sitting on a gold mine of savings that they aren’t using to travel the world. They are prisoners in their home to a disease they didn’t predict 10 years ago.

Where will we be in 10 years?

I like to imagine myself independently wealthy, doing work that lights me up and helps multitudes of people reach for the best versions of themselves. I like to envision joy and robust health with mine and Jases’s children and grandchildren thriving around us. I’d like to travel.

The truth is I spent the day in bed, cursing mystery body pain that I don’t have all the answers for.

I got dressed this morning with the intentions of grocery shopping only to have a panic attack when my ass hit the seat of my car. I went back inside, promptly put my jammies back on and ordered groceries online for Jase to pick up on his way home from work in the evening.

I have limited energy and constant pain. Grocery shopping requires use of my body and I don’t make any money doing it. I save my energy for tasks that generate income.

I scheduled a brain MRI that the doctor ordered. Took a 2 hour nap and read many pages in “A Course in Miracles” hoping for some emotional relief.

I’ve become a ball of anxiety wound tightly by feelings of worthlessness.

To say the future scares me is an understatement. It’s fucking terrifying. Hope feels thin.

When hard times hit no one knows if they will be triumphant. Will theirs be a story that will inspire hope or will it be an unfortunate tale of struggle and defeat.

For now I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m the main attraction in my own self care circus: Eating clean, taking high quality supplements, meditating, stretching, PT exercises, putting on my fake smile while working, and crying into Jase’s armpit at night. I’m not tall enough to reach his shoulder.

I had the audacity to believe that I was moving through all of this with my mind in tact. Just a week and a half ago I woke up exclaiming, “I can’t believe I’m waking up feeling happy in my mind!” This week that statement is no longer true.

Admit. Accept. Move forward.

A lot can happen in 10 years………

Music is Like Heroin

Photo by me

I’ve witnessed heroin. Never done it.

The look of calm that transforms the face of the user is unforgettable as it seeps into their veins.

Music is my heroin.

I feel the way users look.

Unlike heroine, where the first high is the best.

Music is my best high. Every time.

The Wine Glass Makes The Wine Taste Better

Shitty pic from an old phone in a beat up life proof case: this is real life folks

“When you see ordinary situations with extraordinary insight, it is like discovering a jewel in rubbish.” Chogyan Trungpa

I have been drinking wine out of a Christmas glass that quite frankly does not spark joy. It’s heavy, clunky and anything but elegant.

I found this crystal beauty in the cabinet today. It’s sexy, it’s sleek and yes, it does make my Bota Box wine taste better.

I’m thankful for the feeling it gives me.

It’s a simple pleasure. I’m taking the time to notice them more.

How about you? Have you noticed anything simple yet meaningful in your day today? Did you have a moment where you felt fully present and uplifted by something that you normally would have overlooked?

Stinkin Thinkin

I tossed out a ginormous yet empty jug of Bacardi at a campground recently and was reminded that we have no control of how others see/think about us. To the common stranger it looked as if Jase and I drank an entire jug of rum in one quick night of camping. Only I knew that we’d been working on that jug for weeks. At that moment I kind of wish I had a loud speaker to announce to my fellow campers that we were not the lushes we appeared to be.

The take away: Don’t size others up based on the tiny bits of information you see, and start doing strange things on purpose to freak people out.

What I should have done is fill the Bacardi bottle with water and stood at the dumpster chugging it before tossing it out.