My New Addiction

I’m addicted.

Thank you Eileen for this incredible idea.

Eileen is an energy healer, and her blog is like reading a novel you don’t want to put down. Head to her homepage and read her fascinating story on how she became a healer.

Jase’s girls are here while their school is closed and this has been the perfect activity for us. We don’t notice the hours go by. The other night we painted through the dinner hour. That will certainly keep us from running out of food, hahaha!

Yesterday was a bit rough as my youngest son celebrated his 16th birthday in Illinois. It’s a challenge to not feel like a shit mother, him living so far away. The dialogue in my brain is murderous.

I used to make him loaves of the best banana bread on his bday. He sent a text asking for the recipe. His dad’s girlfriend had made some, and in my son’s exact words “it’s drier than the desert.”

Breaks my heart into a million pieces and punches a hole in my gut that will never be filled. 16 years old and he still wants mom’s banana bread. Did he have to make it himself after I sent the recipe?

Life can throw us a few unforeseen punches, can it not? I chose to leave the Midwest after getting divorced. I’ve asked many times if I should move back and every time my son’s reply “No mom, coming to visit gives me something to look forward too.”

Long story short, I couldn’t afford to bring him with me and his dad would never allow it.

So, in the midst of the pain, gratitude cuddles up next to it. Thankful we have maintained a relationship. Thankful to be close to all 4 of my boys although I’m no longer with their father.

Pain and gratitude co-exist in the same heart.

They must, there is no other way.

If I Could Do Anything

If I could do anything.

I would drive a “happiness” van around the world

I would visit those with chronic illness in the hopes of interrupting their pain with joy.

It would be my own form of “distraction therapy” tailored to fit the interests of each individual.

I would take my pain and fatigue to the streets. I would meet others and we could share a belly laugh until we cry and there’s snot everywhere. Why not take our snot, sprinkle it with glitter, and use it as paint. There’s a distraction…….

I’d ask each person to describe what their body feels like. What it feels like to be them in just a few sentences. It would be a book written by thousands.

Yes, if I could do anything.

Life Feels Like…….

Sometimes the only thing that feels sane is the idea of a giant chocolate Bundt cake.

The center is filled with the softest squishiest blankets and there’s a never ending pile of books.

You read. You eat cake. You nap. Repeat.

Life should be like that. A giant chocolate Bundt cake.

Oftentimes life feels like a burnt casserole dish. You can’t quite make out what the casserole was made of, and you can tell it tasted like shit. You let it soak overnight and still have to scrape for all eternity to get the dish clean. You curse, freak out, and throw the dish at the wall.

Yeah, life feels like a burnt casserole dish.

Gypsy Soul

This gypsy soul visits us from time to time. She gets close enough to pet, but I never do, I respect her wild heart.

Sweet gypsy soul.

You crave adventure

The pulse of nature is your life line

Staying in one place is not an option. There’s too much to see and so much to do………

The search never ends………

Creativity is at your core

Your yearning is never quenched…….

Sweet gypsy soul, I see you and I know you.

I am you…………stuck in a cage…….longing to be free…….longing to roam…..

Forced stagnation is a demon holding me by the throat.

I’m being held against my will. Looking for the keys to unlock this hell.

A prisoner in a body that refuses to cooperate. Rebellious bitch no longer bending to the rules I have set.

This gypsy soul shall not be tamed by such a pathetic attempt.

She will run free once again.

Just wait and see…………..

The gypsy in the photo visits us from time to time. It was a privilege to capture this photo.

Going To Seed

Photo by me

You there. Yes, you……..

You have gone to seed.

You may not be the ripe, flourishing beauty you once were, but how lovely is your depth.

Your seeds carry life. Your DNA written on each one.

You were planted from a seed and over time became an individual, yet still part of the many seeds before you.

Looking up the phrase “going to seed” produces negative idioms: to decline or fall apart. To become worn or shabby.

Aren’t we all going to seed? None of us are aging backwards.

As we decline into old age, what will be left?

I’ve been a negative asshole the past 2 days. Weary of feeling like shit, I’ve been dropping seeds of negativity like a rabbit with colitis.

Chronic pain has turned me into a complaining slob. I’m obese with the seeds of anxiety and worry.

My head is spinning from tests and more doctor referrals. I’m dizzy from riding the same unicorn on the medical merry go round.

Eventually the weeds I’ve planted will choke out the wild flowers that are my heart. The weeds will turn into reins and capture this wild mare………..

Where the fuck are my gardening gloves? It’s time to get to work.

Water Does Not Resist

Took this shot after work a few days ago in Left Hand Canyon

Type. Delete. Type.

Change the title a million times.

Leave what’s heavy behind. Send it floating in the water. Are you tired and weary from the hidden pain…..not sure how to articulate……..how to release the fearful feeling.

Needing a break from yourself. Needing a break from the relentless physical pain that has become a nameless phantom who hangs around and refuses to exit your life.

Trying to describe the pain phantom tastes like vomit.

Regurgitated information that no one understands.

Crying makes the pain in your head, neck and shoulders worse. This phantom with no name…….Laughter helps but what’s so funny? You crawl in the dirt searching for humor and it turns to dust in your hands………

You send it all floating…….

Water.

Water does not resist. Water flows effortlessly around obstacles. It laps up courage with each rock it glosses over. It smiles and glitters and goes wherever it pleases.

Water.

Water has patience. It can appear to be in a hurry but exhibits a calm grace. It is a part of natures soundtrack. It babbles, giggles and crashes…..

Tears.

Tears are water. Water brings life to every living thing.

You are made of water………