My worksheet from this morning. Am I 5? I suppose a 5 year old would have worded it differently. Why did my immature scribble feel so good?
I woke up angry, depressed and overwhelmed. My “hot thought” being “I hate life.”
Some day’s I feel like a preschooler. Throwing unintellectual tantrums in my head. A philosophical dead zone.
When Jase woke up he brought me down a few notches and had me write out a list of things I enjoy.
Then, I got on a rant about seeing the quote “The quality of your life is in the quality of your habits” and the white hot anger came spewing out of me on how I viewed it………………
He said “Honey, this time has taken you, you have not taken it. This time has chosen you to work on your mental health. It is the most productive thing you could be doing right now. Wouldn’t the world be a much more peaceful place if we would stop commenting on other peoples lives and just focus on living our own? Does it really matter who’s doing what with the time they have?”
If you’re new to this journey, today is the 4th Ketamine infusion for pain relief. Welcome to the ride!
Today we are driving an hour and a half as my infusion was sent to the wrong clinic. I am listening to the above song to calm my nerves and open my heart. I am anxious about being in a new space with staff that I don’t know.
Akaal Literal meaning is a timeless being, intelligent and caring
I can’t help but wonder if they’ve been warned about Jase and I! Have they been filled in on my constant talking and laughing while under Ketamine? Are they ready for the outpouring of love headed to their clinic?
That being said I am energetic and excited.
I TOOK A PAIN FREE WALK OUTSIDE YESTERDAY!!!!! MY LEGS WERE WOBBLY BUT MY MIND WANTED TO RUN. RUN……RUN….RUN….I FELT LIGHT AND FREE….THE WORLD SEEMED NEW AND FRESH.
Hope you all have an enlightened day…….I’m off to the land of love and laughter and hopefully no vomit.
All I know about yesterday is I didn’t get sick. There was no vomit. I listened to calm piano music this time as I felt the voices in the meditations yesterday really fucked with my head. Lesson learned.
Jase was nice enough to take videos of me pretending to be our cat Cricket, another of me talking about everything being mint chocolate chip marshmallows, my son Archie and I taking a ride and he said I asked about the kids every 30 seconds for an hour straight.
At one point Jase felt like hooking himself up to my I.V. just to deal with my excessive rambling about how much I loved everyone.
I slept the rest of the day. Today I feel very out of it. We are heading out for the 3rd treatment soon.
As far as helping with the pain, not a clue, I feel like a floating body.
I miss reading everyone’s blogs, hope all is well and thank you for reading and for your support. It means a lot.
Fear not! I went poop before my first Ketamine infusion. If you’ve been following along, that makes sense.
When I arrived at the pain clinic, they had me take an anti~nausea and anti~anxiety.
The young gal assigned to hooking me up to the EKG and blood pressure cuff consulted her phone incessantly for tips on where to place the EKG leads. WHAT???!!!!!!
The I.V. was inserted by the doc, and thanks to my cooperative veins, was a cinch. The doc seemed alarmingly relieved.
Once hooked up, I got cozy with my pillows, Jase popped on the Bose headphones and I went for a tripped out ride.
My body gradually felt warm, and numb. I couldn’t tell whether my eyes were open or closed and began to see what can only be described as shape shifting sandy landscapes in the color of deep purple. At times I felt upside down or as if my chair was floating through the ceiling. It was oddly comforting. I couldn’t feel a negative emotion.
I recall being filled with so much love I thought I was going to burst. I wanted everyone to know I loved them. Jase said I kept asking for his hand and that I was yelling out loving things. I remember asking about all the kids and wanting them to know I loved them. Fear not! Jase will write a post from his point of view in the future.
About 2 hours in my blood pressure went through the roof and I had to pee. That is something I’d like to avoid during todays treatment. Jase had to hold me on the toilet and wipe for me…….thank goodness I got all my pooping done before the treatment.
Four hours felt like 5 minutes, but a long 5 minutes. At the end I began sweating profusely and felt extremely nauseous. As soon as I got outside I had to vomit.
The 45 minute ride home is a blur. Jase carried me inside and again had to vomit. I slept till about 3, had some applesauce and crackers then back in bed till 6.
I watched a cooking show, ate some soup and went back to bed.
Anxious about round 2 today……..waiting to poop. Jase is a trooper for staying with me through 4 hours of la la land. His presence there was the most comforting feeling I’ve ever experienced. I remember wanting to hug him forever and kept telling him how much I loved him.
Caught of guard by emotions that bubble up and words that fly from your lips………especially after you’ve taken the time to do your “inner work”?
In my minds eye I see heavy chains with impossible pad locks. The feeling of being bound sounds like static in my brain.
There’s a knowing beating in my heart. It sends out hope from the deep recess of my soul.
This knowing holds the key to the padlocks.
LET GO……….LET GO…….LET GO…….LET GO……
The picture above was taken a few days ago on my way to work. I’ve been hungrily gnawing at the truth that Spirit is not separate from us.
It is us.
There is no Santa Claus in the sky handing out party favors to the well behaved saints and laughing at others who are groveling in the dirt begging to be plucked from scarcity.
What sort of madness have we been taught as children? To believe in a Higher Power that we must bargain with, behave for, and serve….……………A Power that we are separate from? A Power that pooped us into existence and said “Figure out how to live. If you happen to get it right, there’s a reward for you in the end. ”
I could type for years about the misguided rot we’ve been spoon fed. It’s churning in my gut, curdling into a mass that is worthy of the sewer.
There is nothing any of us can do to become worthy of life. We already are.
Today’s adventure was the hospital. I gave the elderly man at the front desk my information. I could have sworn when he looked at the gal and gentleman next to him he said, “Imogene”.
A grin broke out on my face. Bubbling with enthusiasm, I blurted out, “Imogene! I love that name! That is such a great name, who’s name is Imogene?”
Jase standing next to me, “No Mare, imaging.”
Me, “I know honey, Imogene, isn’t that a great name!”
At this point, I was perplexed why no one behind the counter volunteered themselves as Imogene. Why no one was sharing in my excitement. Why was everyone looking at me like I pooped my pants?
Jase, “I-M-A-G-I-N-G, imaging honey, no one’s name is Imogene.”
If you’re familiar with the book/movie “Fried Green Tomatoes”, the name Imogene holds a special place in your heart. Much more than “imaging” ever will.
I’ll now hand the keyboard over to Jase to regale his take on this mornings exchange:
Jase here. Honestly there’s not much more to say. Mare was out of pocket; a total comic relief this morning. After she heard what she wanted to hear…the name I-M-O-G-E-N-E, she stood around looking like the only kid on the playground who didn’t get the punchline to the joke.
I’m allowed to poke fun of Mare. I tease her and say she’s not really a Ginger or Day Walker (with all of her cute freckles and gorgeous red locks of hair that stretch down to her butt). I say she’s more of a blonde dying her hair red. Or that she lives under the world’s deepest rock. Why? Cause she rips on me too. I’m pretty clueless. I have book smarts like math and physics, but when it comes to practical knowledge, that’s a different story. I have the street smarts of June Cleaver. But together….well we make up one well rounded brain…lemme just add a very good looking brain at that.
Mare here again.
There’s something about genuine laughter that lightens the heaviest of situations.
On our drive to the hospital, we listened to one of my favorite tunes. The lyrics help direct me to a better place. They remind me to honor all emotions and that we’re all in this together. Oooo this song gives me the “goosies” every time.
I always want to write funny stuff. I know it comes from writing when I was traveling around the world. I used to fill my brain up with beautiful landscapes and funny adventures. I now realize I was filling a pot. The pot was my brain and it had tons of vivid material to draw from when sending correspondence to people on over five continents.
The last few years have been exciting. I moved to Colorado, started a new life and met a wonderful girl. We’ve had tons of adventures together. When we first met we were traveling every weekend camping and staying at ritzy resorts while spending on a shoestring during the offseason.
Over time Mare’s energy level has plummeted. Pain has spread across her body like wildfire. Her sleep has become broken and patchy. She gets constant headaches, numbness and tingling in her extremities. Anxiety and depression can hold her hostage at times for days.
I have experienced much of what Mare is feeling currently. I had comparable symptoms while being disabled from Bipolar depression and Fibromyalgia. In my own way, I felt the similar mental, emotional, physical and spiritual pain she feels right now.
What distresses me now is that I thought that my experiences would have better prepared me to handle what she’s going through. The fact is they haven’t.
It’s one thing to journey through difficult times yourself. It’s another to compassionately sit on the sidelines cheering someone to better health. What I see is that no matter how much shit you go through, it doesn’t take away the sadness you feel for when your lover has to go through it. I am not a great spectator. I want to take this pain off her shoulders. I want to carry it for her.