It’s been 4 days since my last Ketamine infusion and I’m noticing some delightful things.
I’m sitting here in jeans and a flannel.
This is a big WTF moment.
My WHOLE life, when at home, it’s pj’s all day, no exceptions, sick or not. I used to think people were nuts being at home in everyday street clothes. Jase has known me just shy of 4 years and he can testify to the many times I would look at him and feel scratchy because he was on the couch in jeans.
Today, I was dying to get out of my cozies and into clothing. I also put on some jewelry and braided my hair.
Another thing is I haven’t drank any alcohol.
I had 4 infusions and was tripping balls for 4 days straight, no alcohol needed.
Post ketamine, I don’t want any. Many WTF moments. I’m not a huge drinker but was having at least 2 drinks per night………and maybe a weeee bit more on Sunday’s…….mimosas!
I feel motivated and energetic. I have walked a mile outside each day since the infusions. 2 of those walks were pain free! The other 2 not so much, but that’s ok.
With the nature of my jobs I get about 25 to 35 hours a WEEK of light to moderate to intense exercise. I think the base recommendation is 3.5 hours a week……anyhoo I’m happy to be feeling like doing something other than nursing my wounds during my down time.
My brain can’t pick up it’s old thinking patterns. It doesn’t feel like ruminating on anything. Having cleaned a home yesterday, my body is feeling some discomfort but my mind is saying “who the fuck cares! Life is too short to think about it.”
I’ll meet with the CBT therapist this week if the beer virus doesn’t cancel the appointment. I’m looking forward to picking his brain about ways to keep my own brain headed in this direction.
There’s a lightness to my thinking. I’m not sure if my mind has ever felt this relaxed.
Everyone responds differently to ketamine. So far I’m enjoying the ride.
I would visit those with chronic illness in the hopes of interrupting their pain with joy.
It would be my own form of “distraction therapy” tailored to fit the interests of each individual.
I would take my pain and fatigue to the streets. I would meet others and we could share a belly laugh until we cry and there’s snot everywhere. Why not take our snot, sprinkle it with glitter, and use it as paint. There’s a distraction…….
I’d ask each person to describe what their body feels like. What it feels like to be them in just a few sentences. It would be a book written by thousands.
Here’s the skinny: this is a strange time of the year. I just read a post by stormsoutside reminding me of this fact.
The holiday’s are not a jolly time for everyone. It’s a time of the year that’s questionable at best.
For those of you that read this blog regularly, you know I clean homes and work retail. You also know I’m navigating mystery health issues that a team of doctors are guessing at. The recent brain scan had 2 professionals saying “oh, this is not good” and a third saying “Your brain is good, lets get an MRI of your neck and lower back”……….ok??????? I suppose I’ll gather all my “scans” and get a second opinion, blah fucking blah……..blood work, sleep studies, x-rays……. Long story short:
I FEEL LIKE CRAP.
I HAVE NO ANSWERS
Add to that the laundry list of other worries, kids, finances, bankruptcy, homelessness etc…..
I was punched in the gut with the icy truth.
I don’t know when I will feel better. I may never feel better.
So who am I and who do I want to be? This is my life, like it or not.
Only I can find a way to be ridiculously, genuinely happy. To smile kindly and keep my energy in check while working with the public.
I AM NOT THE ONLY PERSON STRUGGLING.
Every single person is worried or struggling with something. Their outside may look polished and put together. I assure you, it’s not.
We are gifted with the freedom to choose our perspective. No one can take that away from you. You choose how you act and which lens you look though.
I am by no means telling you to ignore you negative emotions. What good would that do? Acknowledge and work through them. This is not a fake it till you make it plea. It’s a realization that we are all going though “stuff.”We can go though it and be happy at the same time. Our emotions can learn to live side by side.
I am skilled at setting up my own private pity party camp, building a fire and wallowing in my slop. After a few day’s it gets very uncomfortable, I tear down camp, and chuck it in the fuck it bucket.
Rather than being overwhelmingly burdened, try being annoyingly happy. I’m talking crazy town happy……….I just might wear a santa hat to my retail job today…..I just might.