Troy, The Voice In The Ceiling and Other Gassy Tales

The sleep clinic didn’t know what hit them.

5 minutes before Jase had to leave he fucked up the sleep number bed, pushing it to the max of 100 and then quickly down to zero. Yes, zero, where no sleep number bed has gone before.

It looked like we were laying in a taco.

The deflated bed jacked up my anxiety to the point I was sweaty and nauseous. I could barely look Jase in the eyes for fear I’d pluck them out.

Jase had been with me for 2 hours to ensure I could handle my new identity as a circuit board. We we spent our time joking at a loud decibel. We are not sleep clinic material.

Once the bed was restored, the dismayed tech politely demanded it was time for Jase to head home.

I was alone with “Troy” as the voice in the ceiling, the camera at the foot of the bed and a costume of wires.

Ready. Set. Sleep.

I’ll spare you the stressful details. It was a long night.

I recall being startled awake by my passing gas. Yes, I let one rip in my sleep and felt like I should say “excuse me” to Troy, the voice in the ceiling.

No snoring, no holding my breath, no restless arms or legs. just farting.

At 5 am when Troy removed my costume he said, “You are very sleep deprived. When you actually do fall asleep, you go right into REM. The doctor will tell you the rest. “

“Is farting a sleep disorder?” was at the tip of my tongue. I held back.

I figured I’d spare us both the embarrassment and wait for the doctor to tell me……………

Let’s Talk About Your Vagina

Ok ladies, I’m going to do you a solid and bring up a touchy subject. I don’t care if it makes you uncomfortable. It’s a vagina, you have one. It’s a body part that needs attention.

I know too many vagina’s that suffer in silence. I’ve been battling vulvodynia for the past year. It’s unexplained itching, burning and pain in your nether region. I’ve had pap smears and ultra sounds, nothing shows up, not even yeast. Here’s a link to my post about it.

Long story short, because we all have lives to live, boricvag worked. I have my vagina back and maybe you could have yours back too. That is, if you’re suffering. It is for all types of vaginal issues.

Here’s the link, look it up yourself. They also have a boricvag plus. It’s all natural goodness. Treat your vagina well, it will thank you, as will your significant other.

No, I’m not an affiliate. Geez, I don’t even know the fancy way to post a link with out it being a mile long.

Turning Challenges into Playthings for your Imagination

Kids do it all the time.

When a kid is pissed, sad, confused etc. they have this innate ability to turn the strong emotion into a game of some sort. It’s rather fascinating.

I have a laundry list of discomfort in my body on a daily basis. It’s enough to send me to the loony bin. Instead I will see myself as a new breed of superhero.

My eyes feel as if they’ve been punched repeatedly because I’m able to read peoples minds. Holy hell, you are all sick in the head, at least I know I’m in good company.

My muscles and joints feel like they are on fire from the lava I use to reload my lava taser.

My limbs go numb with out warning when they need a break from all the kung foo fighting.

I feel like I’m a walking cinderblock from my bulging muscles and the ridiculous costume I’m forced to wear.

It feels like I have fire ants in my underwear, well, let’s not go there, that’s a private matter. (See my post on vulvodynia if you’re curious)

Don’t even get me started on the digestive upset that I use as explosives to blow shit up.

Somedays I feel like what’s the point in trying to turn the discomfort into something funny, but it is a good distraction to focus on seeing things in a different way rather than giving in to the dark side. There’s only so much crying and complaining a person can do before the depression sinks in and pulls you into it’s pit.

If you have any ideas or tried and true methods for your own life, I’d love to read them! Feel free to leave a comment 🙂 In the mean time, keep laughing!

Not Feeling Too Funny Today

Wanting to feel better is the biggest waiting game I’ve ever played. My health has been a gradually declining shit storm for the past 4 years and it’s coming to a head.

I’m gathering all the info I can via blood tests, medical professionals, books and my own hunches. I’m trying to steer clear of “Google” as I find it to be a watered down “copy and paste” situation when it comes to finding answers.

I have days where barely a smile crosses my lips and that pisses me off. I dig for anything to make me laugh. Anything to get my mind off how shitty I feel, how I’m going to pay my bills and how my credit card debt is increasing rather than decreasing. How I’m 44 and have been working my ass off after getting divorced trying to build a reasonable life for myself only to hit a wall.

One negative thought can create a spiral down the rabbit hole. In just a few minutes I’ve catastrophized my life into homelessness and dying alone in a dumpster.

Yesterday the thing to make me laugh was my boyfriend’s face after giving me a hug. I hadn’t showered in four days and my head smelled like sour milk. I’m laughing now just remembering his face………He was amazed that I actually had an odor, as he tells me I never smell. I told him my sour sick mood is seeping though my pores.

I am being stripped bare. I have nothing left for my Ego to attach itself too. There’s nothing I can offer except being vulnerable. I’m a 44 year old divorced mother of 4 boys who scrubs peoples toilets for a living, I have debt, my savings is dry and I don’t have a college degree. My career was raising children. According to the worlds standards I am not a success and I’m ok with that. This is my reality. My story is not that unique.

What I can do is be kind to myself and to others no matter how fucking awful I feel. I’m not the only person who is struggling. My struggles are no worse than anyone else’s.

I will close with 5 things I like about myself. Please share yours in the comments below, lets start a self love fest! Wow, it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be…….

  1. My weird sense of humor and love of swearing
  2. My attention to detail, sometimes it’s a curse
  3. Making others laugh even at my expense
  4. Love of learning
  5. Being drawn to the weird and unusual

Reactivated Epstein Barr A.K.A Mono: Kiss My Ass

Say kissing disease one more time………..

I’ve been feeling like I’ve been at the tail end of the flu for far too long. The doc did a slew of blood tests and tells me I have Mono. This whole thing is confusing to me. Apparently it’s caused by the Epstein Barr Virus which my blood tests show is very active in my body at the moment. So it’s been “reactivated”

Approximately 95 percent of us carry a pathogen called the Epstein-Barr virus (EBV). For many, this virus is caught in early childhood and largely goes unnoticed. EBV isn’t like most infections that are ‘conquered’ by our immune system but rather it ‘retreats and hides out’ in part of our immune system, called our B cells – a type of white blood cell. Unless you have something that triggers a reactivation of the virus, you’ll likely go your entire life without ever realizing you have EBV.

All I know is I’m freaking exhausted. It feels like my eye sockets are cavernous craters and my eye balls weigh a ton. Walking across the house is the equivalent of completing an iron man race. Fuck no, I’ve never done an Iron Man………

Apparently there’s no cure for this strange but very common virus. How can that be? From what I’m told and what I’ve been reading it’s all about getting the virus to retreat back into my cells and go dormant again. WTF???

Hey you, little virus, get back in your room. No one invited you to the party you snarky turd.

Vulvodynia: Fire in the Vag Hole

Vulvodynia (vul-voe-DIN-e-uh) is chronic pain or discomfort around the opening of your vagina (vulva) for which there’s no identifiable cause and which lasts at least three months. The pain, burning or irritation associated with vulvodynia can make you so uncomfortable that sitting for long periods or having sex becomes unthinkable. The condition can last for months to years.

So I’ve got this going for me. All my lady part tests came back NORMAL. Where does that leave my lady J? On fire folks. I was given a prescription of lidocaine to numb my little slice of heaven.

Your pain might be constant or occasional. It might occur only when the sensitive area is touched (provoked).

Don’t even think about “provoking” my hoo-ha with your cactus sword. Oh wait, I know, I’ll slather on some lidocaine and neither of us will feel a thing.

Because it can be painful and frustrating and can keep you from wanting sex, vulvodynia can cause emotional problems. For example, fear of having sex can cause spasms in the muscles around your vagina (vaginismus).

My Vagina is “spasming” not orgasming……..spasming……..

Aside from the horror film that is now my sex life, what about daily life in general? I’m supposed to just live with a burning sensation and conduct business as usual? Carry around a gallon jug of lidocaine? Let me delight your senses with some medical jargon that I found on Web MD and Mayo Clinic.

Signs and Symptoms of Vulvodynia

Symptoms of vulvodynia usually begin suddenly and can last anywhere from months to years.

These are the most common symptoms of vulvodynia:

  • Burning, stinging, or rawness
  • Aching, soreness, or throbbing
  • Itching

You may feel symptoms of vulvodynia:

  • All the time or just once in a while
  • During activities such as exercise, intercourse, or walking — or even while at rest
  • While bicycling, inserting tampons, or even sitting
  • In one specific area or throughout your entire vulva

Holy shit Web MD and Mayo Clinic you missed a few important life activities. Why have you chosen bicycling and inserting tampons????? Just say it: Your crotch will be on fire 24 fucking 7 and will make you feel clinically insane. We don’t know for how long, how to fix it or why………

Well fuck. That’s life right now. My vag is a chronic bon fire that I don’t get a break from. It’s not like a broken limb that you can easily talk about with your pals and coworkers. “Hey y’all, I’m kind of bitchy today. I have a lit match stick between my legs. A raging inferno that has no cure. I swear I don’t have cooties.”

The Mighty Pelvic Ultrasound

Awkward as fuck. I’ve given birth to 4 humans and 1 cat. That means my vag has been invaded more times than I can count. It never ceases to be uncomfortable when a stranger inserts something into your hoo ha.

I had the pleasure of a pelvic ultrasound this morning.

I plainly told the tech how awkward it was and will forever be no matter how many times I’ve had my feet in metal stirrups. We shared an odd chuckle and eye contact while I was being probed.

It took 45 minutes.

That’s a long time when your pants less with your feet in stirrups. My mind became a ping pong ball. “Should I strike up a conversation? Will she fuck this up if I do? Will it take longer if I ask her questions?”

Uncomfortable silence ensues.