I Am Not A Diva

I don’t know where to begin.

Feels like I’m out of touch with blogging.

We spent a week in Leadville Colorado, by the Mt. Massive trail. I chuckle every time I say “Mount Massive”. It’s the second highest peak in the state, for anyone who’s in to facts.

Since my two oldest boys love the outdoors and live relatively close, they came out for the SNOWY weekend. Yes, snow, cold and yuck.

We enjoyed cocoa, shortbread and chicken noodle soup in the comfort of our cozy tent home.

My eyeballs are filled with tears as I type and share these images. Words can not articulate the gratitude I feel for these memories.

My left hip has decided to throw a tantrum, causing pain up and down my entire leg. We suspect it’s the change in bed, cold and the spinal chord cyst. Life is never without challenges.

I have also discovered I am not a diva. I tried using the diva cup before my period started and I’m glad I did. It is certainly not made for me.

I shoved, twisted and contorted that thing into my vag every which way possible. As the day progressed it fell out. I purchased the correct model for those who have had children. Apparently they need to design a cup for the “oddly shaped” vag. I have vivid memories of being in labor and nurses having to contort themselves and the hospital bed just to reach my cervix.

I can not imagine a diva cup filled with menstrual blood making an exit without any say in the matter.

We tore down camp yesterday, spent 5 hours driving, and landed in the town of Montrose at a $50 motel to regroup and take scalding hot showers. I tell ya what, after taking a solar shower in the snow this motel is like the fucking Hilton. Washing my hair that has been in braids and stuffed under a beanie was an exercise in patience, but I got the job done.

Our plan is to head toward warmer temperatures and find a place to set up camp.

Mentally I’m doing well. I had another telehealth appointment with my psychiatrist. She explained how my brain has been wired to believe “it’s never ok”. I am on the waiting list for the healing trauma program as I will only work with female practitioners. She said it’s worth the wait as it will help to gently re-wire by brain and get out of PTSD mode. In the meantime she upped my dose of buspar and said I can pop a gabapentin anytime I have a fibromyalgia flare or anxiety I can get control of.

Cricket is no longer with us.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I’ll likely never want to talk about it.

I feel like someone took an ice-cream scooper and gouged out my insides.

Homeless Glamping Nomads

Yes we are alive, and yes this is our tent, inflatable couch and all.

We have come in to town to check email n things. We are sitting outside the closed public library in the car using their free internet.

We are staying at a beautiful wooded site, on a creek near the mountains. Our first 3 nights have been smooth. We will stay here at least 3 or 4 more nights as we try to get the hang of things.

We are very fortunate to have glamping gear for our newfound homelessness. Even Cricket is enjoying the hell out of it.

I’m happily devouring Sylvia Plath’s “The Bell Jar” and will likely start it over once I’ve finished it. How have I not picked this book up before, it came out it 1963…….where have I been?

I’m gradually becoming friends with the insta pot. We made a green curry that was quite edible and some oatmeal with apples, cranberries and walnuts. I’ve also decided it makes a great place to do the dishes. They come out steamy, just like a dishwasher.

I much prefer the old fashioned method and Jase makes for some great scenery.

Well, that’s it for now, I hope everyone is well! We must get back as Cricket is back at the homestead and is bound to be hosting a kegger with the woodland creatures.

Fur The Love Of The Herd

Thanks fur the laughs my freinds

We had the pleasure of running into these lovely ladies on a drive today.

I needed to get out of the house and my head. Needed a break from pain and fatigue.

After driving though a manicured subdivision, this unlikely herd was just what I needed to pull me out of the spiral I started to drown in at the sight of more construction. For fuck’s sake, let’s not go there.

I’ve never fit into a manicured lifestyle.

When I was married and raising my family I made every attempt to look like I belonged there, but in my heart I longed for the unkept herd with the patchy fur and bad haircuts.

The herd not afraid to lick their nostrils with their tongue, instead of those fenced in by societies expectations.

The herd not afraid to let the grass grow wild because that meant more wild flowers, instead of those afraid of what the HOA and the neighbor’s would think.

There’s nothing wrong with any lifestyle, but it can feel all wrong if you’re not where you’re meant to be.

Hell, I have a son who felt like an alien in his body and he’s doing something about it.

I know and love people in many herds.

After we drove a bit, Jase, not knowing any of the dialogue in my brain, said “Hey Mare? When we have more money, will we still live a small life?”

Me: “Oh. Hell. Yes. Honey. Oh, hell yes”…………….

Shouldering The Pain

Jase the blog jacker here again.

I always want to write funny stuff. I know it comes from writing when I was traveling around the world. I used to fill my brain up with beautiful landscapes and funny adventures. I now realize I was filling a pot. The pot was my brain and it had tons of vivid material to draw from when sending correspondence to people on over five continents.

The last few years have been exciting. I moved to Colorado, started a new life and met a wonderful girl. We’ve had tons of adventures together. When we first met we were traveling every weekend camping and staying at ritzy resorts while spending on a shoestring during the offseason.

Over time Mare’s energy level has plummeted. Pain has spread across her body like wildfire. Her sleep has become broken and patchy. She gets constant headaches, numbness and tingling in her extremities. Anxiety and depression can hold her hostage at times for days.

I have experienced much of what Mare is feeling currently. I had comparable symptoms while being disabled from Bipolar depression and Fibromyalgia. In my own way, I felt the similar mental, emotional, physical and spiritual pain she feels right now.

What distresses me now is that I thought that my experiences would have better prepared me to handle what she’s going through. The fact is they haven’t.

It’s one thing to journey through difficult times yourself. It’s another to compassionately sit on the sidelines cheering someone to better health. What I see is that no matter how much shit you go through, it doesn’t take away the sadness you feel for when your lover has to go through it. I am not a great spectator. I want to take this pain off her shoulders. I want to carry it for her.

Remember How Strong You Are

There are times you need to look back to remember your strength. To remember where you came from and how far you’ve made it.

To remember that things work out in unexpected ways.

These photos are from 3.5 years ago. I had been divorced for a full year, living in Wisconsin in my first apartment ever after 4 children and 20 years of marriage.

My 2 oldest boys lived in Colorado, moved there after high school.

I laid in my bed one night and made a deal with the universe. “If I can get rid of everything I don’t need in the next 2 weeks, I’m moving to Colorado.”

Easy~Fucking~Peasy

Poof! All furniture gone.

I ran it past my 2 youngest kids who were living with my ex, (he made all the $ so the kids stayed put, no need to make them economically struggle). They told me to go for it and we’d figure out travel plans.

I grabbed my $1,000 in savings and off I went. No job, no place to live.

My first weekend in Colorado I took a backpacking trip with my oldest son.

There’s so much more to this tale……..so much…….but I look at the photos and ask myself, “Where is that Mare? That brave little woman who moved across the country and let the divine lead her?”

She’s buried under financial strain, buried under poor health and not enough answers. Buried under a scary brain MRI result and waiting for the next doctors appointment. Buried under intense physical pain and fatigue.

She took 6 different jobs when she got to Colorado and literally worked herself into the ground. Physically she’s a train wreck.

That spirit, the one that believes anything is possible, it’s in there. It’s still there. The divine is always speaking…………..”Mare, get your head out of your ass.”

Ferocious Gratitude

Stubborn little woman.

Address the pain……………… Acknowledge the fatigue.

24 hours looms large as a whole.

Break it down into moments.

“I can make memories with the couch or with the people I love.”

Stubborn little woman.

Snowed in for days……..I’m going too……I’ll recover later………It’s Thanksgiving for fucks sake……….

Keep your heart fierce.

A body is just a body after all.

We made the trek down the mountain, through the grocery store, and back up the mountain. As you can see, Jase has a pack on his back and on the front. That’s my pack. I had the job of carrying the chips and tofu. Even that was too much.

I carried the pain and the fatigue. We had a chat: “Listen here you 2 fuckers, if you insist on being in my life, I will demand on my way from time to time. You WILL NOT destroy me today. Because, you see, I’m a stubborn little woman. Put on your boots, lets go.”

A Proper Ass~hat

When you are asked to purchase coffee, please remember to take it out of the car when you get home.

If by chance you forget, and 30 inches of snow falls while you sleep, be a proper ass~hat.

Dig it out for your coffee deprived girlfriend.