If you’re new to this journey, today is the 4th Ketamine infusion for pain relief. Welcome to the ride!
Today we are driving an hour and a half as my infusion was sent to the wrong clinic. I am listening to the above song to calm my nerves and open my heart. I am anxious about being in a new space with staff that I don’t know.
Akaal Literal meaning is a timeless being, intelligent and caring
I can’t help but wonder if they’ve been warned about Jase and I! Have they been filled in on my constant talking and laughing while under Ketamine? Are they ready for the outpouring of love headed to their clinic?
That being said I am energetic and excited.
I TOOK A PAIN FREE WALK OUTSIDE YESTERDAY!!!!! MY LEGS WERE WOBBLY BUT MY MIND WANTED TO RUN. RUN……RUN….RUN….I FELT LIGHT AND FREE….THE WORLD SEEMED NEW AND FRESH.
Hope you all have an enlightened day…….I’m off to the land of love and laughter and hopefully no vomit.
I’m a wee bit disappointed. I’m supposed to be at my 4th ketamine treatment right now. Somehow lines got crossed and they sent my ketamine to the wrong clinic. It’s against the law to transfer it once delivered. We are waiting to hear what to do and where to go.
The long and short of it is the clinic is in the middle of a move. They’ve been in their current location for 6 months and they are a bit of a cluster fuck. Having gone there 3 days in a row, peeled back the layers of just how dis organized they are.
We got there at 7:40 as asked and my infusion didn’t begin until 8:15. They were unpacking boxes and rewiring the front desk computers. There were 2 new people and one was in a foul ass mood, which triggered my anxiety. Jase had to step outside to calm his frustration and I sat in the waiting room meditating on opening my heart space and not hyperventilating.
We were then told another patient would be having a treatment in the same room as me. Considering how much I talked during my first 2 infusions this worried me.
I have veins like Boba tea straws so they hooked me up first, and during the insertion, the woman in the foul mood stuck her head in and stated “This is the last ketamine infusion this week. They sent it all to the Aurora clinic and we don’t know when the next shipment will be.”
Well, that is poor bedside manner.
As I was slipping into la la land, they were hooking up my suite mate and her veins kept collapsing.
In the meantime I’m telling everyone what color aura they have. My doctors was light pink, crabby lady was yellow, the gals at the front desk were bright blue and light blue, I just wanted everyone to have a good day and to just be nice.
I then proceeded to talk about how much I love the world and if everyone would just be kind it would solve all the problems. To top it off I began to sob for the world, I was so sad for it. Jase was able to calm me down by telling me the world was ok and then I passed out for the remainder of the treatment.
Once at home I ate an entire box of mac and cheese and passed out. I woke up and watched the Taylor Swift documentary…..what????? I know maybe 2 of her songs……and then passed out again until morning.
It’s been a wild week thus far. It’s nice to know I love the world and all of it’s inhabitants. If Jase had any doubts about my love for him they have dissolved into trauma over how much I actually do love him. He’s probably scared shitless and ready to run for the hills……….
All I know about yesterday is I didn’t get sick. There was no vomit. I listened to calm piano music this time as I felt the voices in the meditations yesterday really fucked with my head. Lesson learned.
Jase was nice enough to take videos of me pretending to be our cat Cricket, another of me talking about everything being mint chocolate chip marshmallows, my son Archie and I taking a ride and he said I asked about the kids every 30 seconds for an hour straight.
At one point Jase felt like hooking himself up to my I.V. just to deal with my excessive rambling about how much I loved everyone.
I slept the rest of the day. Today I feel very out of it. We are heading out for the 3rd treatment soon.
As far as helping with the pain, not a clue, I feel like a floating body.
I miss reading everyone’s blogs, hope all is well and thank you for reading and for your support. It means a lot.
Fear not! I went poop before my first Ketamine infusion. If you’ve been following along, that makes sense.
When I arrived at the pain clinic, they had me take an anti~nausea and anti~anxiety.
The young gal assigned to hooking me up to the EKG and blood pressure cuff consulted her phone incessantly for tips on where to place the EKG leads. WHAT???!!!!!!
The I.V. was inserted by the doc, and thanks to my cooperative veins, was a cinch. The doc seemed alarmingly relieved.
Once hooked up, I got cozy with my pillows, Jase popped on the Bose headphones and I went for a tripped out ride.
My body gradually felt warm, and numb. I couldn’t tell whether my eyes were open or closed and began to see what can only be described as shape shifting sandy landscapes in the color of deep purple. At times I felt upside down or as if my chair was floating through the ceiling. It was oddly comforting. I couldn’t feel a negative emotion.
I recall being filled with so much love I thought I was going to burst. I wanted everyone to know I loved them. Jase said I kept asking for his hand and that I was yelling out loving things. I remember asking about all the kids and wanting them to know I loved them. Fear not! Jase will write a post from his point of view in the future.
About 2 hours in my blood pressure went through the roof and I had to pee. That is something I’d like to avoid during todays treatment. Jase had to hold me on the toilet and wipe for me…….thank goodness I got all my pooping done before the treatment.
Four hours felt like 5 minutes, but a long 5 minutes. At the end I began sweating profusely and felt extremely nauseous. As soon as I got outside I had to vomit.
The 45 minute ride home is a blur. Jase carried me inside and again had to vomit. I slept till about 3, had some applesauce and crackers then back in bed till 6.
I watched a cooking show, ate some soup and went back to bed.
Anxious about round 2 today……..waiting to poop. Jase is a trooper for staying with me through 4 hours of la la land. His presence there was the most comforting feeling I’ve ever experienced. I remember wanting to hug him forever and kept telling him how much I loved him.
Ketamine infusions begin today and go through Thursday.
8 am till noon.
Four hours, four days in a row.
I put together a 4 hour playlist of meditations on healing along with healing sounds.
I figure why not become a partner with the Ketamine. Welcome it into this vessel known as my body. Come on in and rewire my nervous system, please and thank you. I promise I’ve been meditating, focusing on my breath, and training my brain to work though the pain. Welcome to the party, Ketamine, do your thing!
I’ve been wide awake since 3:30 am. It’s now 5:30. I spent the last 2 hours laughing at old videos of the kids and Jase going all the way back to 2016. I was mostly pain free and a bundle of energy. The pain has been a silent phantom slowly making itself a member of the family.
Sipping on coffee and heavy whipping cream (yes, it is sin in a mug) I’m imagining waking up and moving through the day without a burning sensation in every muscle and joint. Without tingling and numbness through my body. Trying to remember what it feels like to move effortlessly.
I’m also hoping I can relax enough to poop before we have to leave. Shut up, everyone poops and we all feel better after a good one, and I certainly don’t need to drag a ketamine I.V. into the shitter along with a nurse making sure I can wipe my ass while in a psychedelic frame of mind………or god forbid fall off the toilet and crack my head on the toilet paper dispenser.
Anyhoo, I’ll try to post my experiences over the next few days. Hoping for embarrassment free infusions……..fingers crossed……
We had the pleasure of running into these lovely ladies on a drive today.
I needed to get out of the house and my head. Needed a break from pain and fatigue.
After driving though a manicured subdivision, this unlikely herd was just what I needed to pull me out of the spiral I started to drown in at the sight of more construction. For fuck’s sake, let’s not go there.
I’ve never fit into a manicured lifestyle.
When I was married and raising my family I made every attempt to look like I belonged there, but in my heart I longed for the unkept herd with the patchy fur and bad haircuts.
The herd not afraid to lick their nostrils with their tongue, instead of those fenced in by societies expectations.
The herd not afraid to let the grass grow wild because that meant more wild flowers, instead of those afraid of what the HOA and the neighbor’s would think.
There’s nothing wrong with any lifestyle, but it can feel all wrong if you’re not where you’re meant to be.
Hell, I have a son who felt like an alien in his body and he’s doing something about it.
I know and love people in many herds.
After we drove a bit, Jase, not knowing any of the dialogue in my brain, said “Hey Mare? When we have more money, will we still live a small life?”
A form of therapy. Give your hands free license to fly across the keys with out pause.
Get it off your chest.
The frustration, the gratitude, the ideas and woes.
Life is meant to be shared.
Share what comes up, free from worry of what others will think.
Have you had a week of weird?
It started with excruciating pain.
Then a consult at a pain clinic and making the decision to move forward with ketamine infusions in a couple weeks. Getting more blood drawn. Reading the MRI report, finding the neurologist failed to share there’s a cyst on my left kidney, and the cyst on the left side of my spine is causing severe spinal chord stenosis. What the hell is up with the left side of my body?
Continue on to driving up our mountain last night in yet another snow storm, having to back up and let some neighbors pass. Getting stuck and blocking us all in. Another neighbor towing my back end, practically sending me soaring off the edge of the mountain. Eventually getting underway, climbing up, hitting ice, loosing control of my truck as it slid backwards down the mountain, yanking the emergency break, slamming it into park, still sliding, eventually, miraculously coming to a stop. Shaking, hyperventilating, blindly making it up, safely home. Getting a message from neighbors that three cars slid down into one another in the exact spot I did. Thankful no one fell to their deaths…………..having to call into work today, even though my bank account continues to dance with a negative balance.
There is much I’m grateful for, but holy shit, sometimes I need to verbally vomit the nausea of existence.