A Little Chat About Hormones

Photo by me

Hormones. The struggle is real.

Understanding what they are doing, when they are doing it is helpful.

I use The Hormone Horoscope App by Hormonolgy. It gives me a rundown of each day of my cycle. Here is an article from their web page about each week and what hormones are up to.

I’ve always struggled with PMS, and as I got older, felt very strongly it’s not an excuse for distasteful behavior.

I feel it’s my responsibility to understand my body and then work with it.

It’s also my responsibility to keep the people I live with informed.

Currently, my progesterone is on the rise. For me it causes sensory overload. I can literally see sounds. Being touched feels traumatizing. I feel the intensity rise until I’m completely underwater.

All I want is to lay in a fluffy cloud of comfort with salty foods and a cake on the side.

This is also the week where my mind betrays me. Negative thoughts feel brazen and rampant.

I’m aware and on the lookout. I take frequent timeouts because I know it’s merely my hormones and I don’t truly feel the way my mind thinks.

I meditate more. Focus on my breath more, in an attempt to tame the fiery ball of rage rolling in my gut.

Ok, time to go desensitize in a fluffy cloud.

Be well and stay safe………….someone near you may have the progesterone virus……….

There Are No Experts

Photo by me

I came across a poem I wrote last January when I was in the throes of a deep depression.

I was suicidal for a good 3 months. The darkness was so thick it made everything black. Looking back at these words, I can see there was a distant hope that I couldn’t feel at the time:

“Peaceful corner ~ My fragility in an envelope of down.

Piano music ~ a remembrance that I live ~ a distant depth ~ I am not the blackness

I am every color ~ every emotion ~every language ~ humanness ~ Spirit connected

Depression is stillness ~ Stillness is beauty ~ stillness bears hope ~ rounding the corner ~ the fog will dissipate ~ a first breath ~ cells creeping from their coma ~ hang on Mare for nothing can last forever

I honestly don’t know what lifted it. I remember thinking “Who will take care of the cat if I kill myself?” Little 4 legged friend who found us just 2 months prior to the depression.

Cricket

I can remember being depressed as a teenager.

I remember downing an entire bottle of aspirin. I didn’t know how to ask for help.

Last winter I knew to ask for help. To share what I was going though. There were some who avoided me like a disease, others who shared their own experiences, and some who gave me blank stares.

Depression is real. Just because you aren’t feeling it at the present moment does not mean it itsn’t. Maybe you’re one of the few who’ve never felt it, I urge you to be compassionate and understanding.

I’ll leave you with a few lines from Gary Zukav’s “The Seat of the Soul” as I find these words both beautiful and wise:

Who among us is an expert on the human experience? We have only the gift of sharing perceptions that hopefully can help those on their journey. There is no such thing as an expert on the human experience. The human experience is an experience in movement and thought and form, and in some cases an experiment in movement and thought and form. The most that we can do is comment on the movement, the thought and the form, but those comments are of great value if they can help people to learn to move gracefully, to think clearly, to form – like artists- the matter of their lives.

Post Ketamine Puzzle

Photo by me, I especially love the cat hair lol

Shazam! I need a break from the beer virus.

It’s been 4 days since my last Ketamine infusion and I’m noticing some delightful things.

I’m sitting here in jeans and a flannel.

This is a big WTF moment.

My WHOLE life, when at home, it’s pj’s all day, no exceptions, sick or not. I used to think people were nuts being at home in everyday street clothes. Jase has known me just shy of 4 years and he can testify to the many times I would look at him and feel scratchy because he was on the couch in jeans.

Today, I was dying to get out of my cozies and into clothing. I also put on some jewelry and braided my hair.

Another thing is I haven’t drank any alcohol.

I had 4 infusions and was tripping balls for 4 days straight, no alcohol needed.

Post ketamine, I don’t want any. Many WTF moments. I’m not a huge drinker but was having at least 2 drinks per night………and maybe a weeee bit more on Sunday’s…….mimosas!

I feel motivated and energetic. I have walked a mile outside each day since the infusions. 2 of those walks were pain free! The other 2 not so much, but that’s ok.

With the nature of my jobs I get about 25 to 35 hours a WEEK of light to moderate to intense exercise. I think the base recommendation is 3.5 hours a week……anyhoo I’m happy to be feeling like doing something other than nursing my wounds during my down time.

My brain can’t pick up it’s old thinking patterns. It doesn’t feel like ruminating on anything. Having cleaned a home yesterday, my body is feeling some discomfort but my mind is saying “who the fuck cares! Life is too short to think about it.”

I’ll meet with the CBT therapist this week if the beer virus doesn’t cancel the appointment. I’m looking forward to picking his brain about ways to keep my own brain headed in this direction.

There’s a lightness to my thinking. I’m not sure if my mind has ever felt this relaxed.

Everyone responds differently to ketamine. So far I’m enjoying the ride.

I Have The Answer: Pet Ass Wipes, Thank You Coronavirus

Holy. Shit.

There are ass wipes for cats and dogs.

If you’re like Jase and I, you aren’t hoarding paper products and wipes.

If you are hoarding them, shame on you. We currently have 4 rolls of toilet paper and 1 roll of paper towels in our home.

We went to do our NORMAL grocery shopping and there’s no fucking toilet paper. Not even on line.

I’m generally a pretty laid back and forgiving gal: but there are people hoarding toilet paper and selling it online for ridiculous prices. That’s shitty, which is what my underwear will be because someone’s trying to make a quick buck off human suffering.

Well, I can think outside of the box and still try to help the economy instead of rob my fellow man.

Yep, I bought ass wipes for pets and you can too because people we live on this earth with forgot how to share. I assure you the dogs and cats of this world will not mind a shortage in wipes, they have perfectly good tongues.

We went with the Pogi’s plant based wipes. They are listed as “grooming wipes”. For those of you feeling crass there are Glandex anal gland pet wipes and are a bit more expensive.

Have fun searching online, there are plenty of brands! If not for the coronavirus and the selfishness of others we’d never know such a product existed. Thank you coronavirus.

Bloom Baby Bloom: Ketamine Day 4

Saw this beauty before my infusions started…spring!

I slipped and fell on my way to the car at 6 am yesterday.

It had been raining and the deck looked wet. It was pure ice and I went down hard on my right side. It’s laughable really. Headed to Ketamine to treat pain. All one can do is laugh.

With traffic we drove close to 2 hours to the clinic that had hijacked my infusion. They are affiliated with my original clinic. Lo and behold they are in the middle of a move as well.

Miss cranky pants with the yellow aura from my second infusion was there. I could feel her embarrassment when she saw us and I didn’t want it to turn into hardness. At the end of this infusion as I was coming out of it I was determined to speak with her. With my numb face I called to her: Jeminifer….ib yer nabe jeminifer? She came and spoke with us for a long while and she’s quite lovely. I told her about her aura, yellow is joyful and intelligent and felt relieved to look her in the eye and exchange a genuine smile. We found out she has 5 children…….well fuck, no wonder she was in a shit mood the other day.

I had a new doctor. His aura was gray and murky but not scary. I could feel his overwhelming confusion toward life. The gal at the front desk was brimming with pure white light and was a delight.

And my Jase was purple. He’s not a fan of the color purple. Well too fucking bad, purple suits him quite well.

So that’s that. I had 4 infusions this week increasing from 200 mg to 400 mg. And now I wait. They say it can take a couple weeks to see the full effect.

I’m pleased that the primary emotion I felt all week was overwhelming love for myself and for others.

Outwardly life as I know it has not changed, inwardly I know it has.

I’ll leave you with this:

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” — Zen Kōan

Kick Up Your Heels: Ketamine

If you’re new to this journey, today is the 4th Ketamine infusion for pain relief. Welcome to the ride!

Today we are driving an hour and a half as my infusion was sent to the wrong clinic. I am listening to the above song to calm my nerves and open my heart. I am anxious about being in a new space with staff that I don’t know.

Akaal Literal meaning is a timeless being, intelligent and caring

I can’t help but wonder if they’ve been warned about Jase and I! Have they been filled in on my constant talking and laughing while under Ketamine? Are they ready for the outpouring of love headed to their clinic?

That being said I am energetic and excited.

I TOOK A PAIN FREE WALK OUTSIDE YESTERDAY!!!!! MY LEGS WERE WOBBLY BUT MY MIND WANTED TO RUN. RUN……RUN….RUN….I FELT LIGHT AND FREE….THE WORLD SEEMED NEW AND FRESH.

Hope you all have an enlightened day…….I’m off to the land of love and laughter and hopefully no vomit.

I See Your Aura’s And I Love The World: Ketamine Day 3

I’m a wee bit disappointed. I’m supposed to be at my 4th ketamine treatment right now. Somehow lines got crossed and they sent my ketamine to the wrong clinic. It’s against the law to transfer it once delivered. We are waiting to hear what to do and where to go.

The long and short of it is the clinic is in the middle of a move. They’ve been in their current location for 6 months and they are a bit of a cluster fuck. Having gone there 3 days in a row, peeled back the layers of just how dis organized they are.

We got there at 7:40 as asked and my infusion didn’t begin until 8:15. They were unpacking boxes and rewiring the front desk computers. There were 2 new people and one was in a foul ass mood, which triggered my anxiety. Jase had to step outside to calm his frustration and I sat in the waiting room meditating on opening my heart space and not hyperventilating.

We were then told another patient would be having a treatment in the same room as me. Considering how much I talked during my first 2 infusions this worried me.

I have veins like Boba tea straws so they hooked me up first, and during the insertion, the woman in the foul mood stuck her head in and stated “This is the last ketamine infusion this week. They sent it all to the Aurora clinic and we don’t know when the next shipment will be.”

Well, that is poor bedside manner.

As I was slipping into la la land, they were hooking up my suite mate and her veins kept collapsing.

In the meantime I’m telling everyone what color aura they have. My doctors was light pink, crabby lady was yellow, the gals at the front desk were bright blue and light blue, I just wanted everyone to have a good day and to just be nice.

I then proceeded to talk about how much I love the world and if everyone would just be kind it would solve all the problems. To top it off I began to sob for the world, I was so sad for it. Jase was able to calm me down by telling me the world was ok and then I passed out for the remainder of the treatment.

Once at home I ate an entire box of mac and cheese and passed out. I woke up and watched the Taylor Swift documentary…..what????? I know maybe 2 of her songs……and then passed out again until morning.

It’s been a wild week thus far. It’s nice to know I love the world and all of it’s inhabitants. If Jase had any doubts about my love for him they have dissolved into trauma over how much I actually do love him. He’s probably scared shitless and ready to run for the hills……….