I See Your Aura’s And I Love The World: Ketamine Day 3

I’m a wee bit disappointed. I’m supposed to be at my 4th ketamine treatment right now. Somehow lines got crossed and they sent my ketamine to the wrong clinic. It’s against the law to transfer it once delivered. We are waiting to hear what to do and where to go.

The long and short of it is the clinic is in the middle of a move. They’ve been in their current location for 6 months and they are a bit of a cluster fuck. Having gone there 3 days in a row, peeled back the layers of just how dis organized they are.

We got there at 7:40 as asked and my infusion didn’t begin until 8:15. They were unpacking boxes and rewiring the front desk computers. There were 2 new people and one was in a foul ass mood, which triggered my anxiety. Jase had to step outside to calm his frustration and I sat in the waiting room meditating on opening my heart space and not hyperventilating.

We were then told another patient would be having a treatment in the same room as me. Considering how much I talked during my first 2 infusions this worried me.

I have veins like Boba tea straws so they hooked me up first, and during the insertion, the woman in the foul mood stuck her head in and stated “This is the last ketamine infusion this week. They sent it all to the Aurora clinic and we don’t know when the next shipment will be.”

Well, that is poor bedside manner.

As I was slipping into la la land, they were hooking up my suite mate and her veins kept collapsing.

In the meantime I’m telling everyone what color aura they have. My doctors was light pink, crabby lady was yellow, the gals at the front desk were bright blue and light blue, I just wanted everyone to have a good day and to just be nice.

I then proceeded to talk about how much I love the world and if everyone would just be kind it would solve all the problems. To top it off I began to sob for the world, I was so sad for it. Jase was able to calm me down by telling me the world was ok and then I passed out for the remainder of the treatment.

Once at home I ate an entire box of mac and cheese and passed out. I woke up and watched the Taylor Swift documentary…..what????? I know maybe 2 of her songs……and then passed out again until morning.

It’s been a wild week thus far. It’s nice to know I love the world and all of it’s inhabitants. If Jase had any doubts about my love for him they have dissolved into trauma over how much I actually do love him. He’s probably scared shitless and ready to run for the hills……….

A Chocolatey Chippy Marshmallow Ride: Ketamine Day 2

All I know about yesterday is I didn’t get sick. There was no vomit. I listened to calm piano music this time as I felt the voices in the meditations yesterday really fucked with my head. Lesson learned.

Jase was nice enough to take videos of me pretending to be our cat Cricket, another of me talking about everything being mint chocolate chip marshmallows, my son Archie and I taking a ride and he said I asked about the kids every 30 seconds for an hour straight.

At one point Jase felt like hooking himself up to my I.V. just to deal with my excessive rambling about how much I loved everyone.

I slept the rest of the day. Today I feel very out of it. We are heading out for the 3rd treatment soon.

As far as helping with the pain, not a clue, I feel like a floating body.

I miss reading everyone’s blogs, hope all is well and thank you for reading and for your support. It means a lot.

A Tripped Out Love Fest: Ketamine Day One

photo by me

Fear not! I went poop before my first Ketamine infusion. If you’ve been following along, that makes sense.

When I arrived at the pain clinic, they had me take an anti~nausea and anti~anxiety.

The young gal assigned to hooking me up to the EKG and blood pressure cuff consulted her phone incessantly for tips on where to place the EKG leads. WHAT???!!!!!!

The I.V. was inserted by the doc, and thanks to my cooperative veins, was a cinch. The doc seemed alarmingly relieved.

Once hooked up, I got cozy with my pillows, Jase popped on the Bose headphones and I went for a tripped out ride.

My body gradually felt warm, and numb. I couldn’t tell whether my eyes were open or closed and began to see what can only be described as shape shifting sandy landscapes in the color of deep purple. At times I felt upside down or as if my chair was floating through the ceiling. It was oddly comforting. I couldn’t feel a negative emotion.

I recall being filled with so much love I thought I was going to burst. I wanted everyone to know I loved them. Jase said I kept asking for his hand and that I was yelling out loving things. I remember asking about all the kids and wanting them to know I loved them. Fear not! Jase will write a post from his point of view in the future.

About 2 hours in my blood pressure went through the roof and I had to pee. That is something I’d like to avoid during todays treatment. Jase had to hold me on the toilet and wipe for me…….thank goodness I got all my pooping done before the treatment.

Four hours felt like 5 minutes, but a long 5 minutes. At the end I began sweating profusely and felt extremely nauseous. As soon as I got outside I had to vomit.

The 45 minute ride home is a blur. Jase carried me inside and again had to vomit. I slept till about 3, had some applesauce and crackers then back in bed till 6.

I watched a cooking show, ate some soup and went back to bed.

Anxious about round 2 today……..waiting to poop. Jase is a trooper for staying with me through 4 hours of la la land. His presence there was the most comforting feeling I’ve ever experienced. I remember wanting to hug him forever and kept telling him how much I loved him.

Hey Hey Hey It’s Ketamine Time

photo by me

Holy hell.

Ketamine infusions begin today and go through Thursday.

8 am till noon.

Four hours, four days in a row.

I put together a 4 hour playlist of meditations on healing along with healing sounds.

I figure why not become a partner with the Ketamine. Welcome it into this vessel known as my body. Come on in and rewire my nervous system, please and thank you. I promise I’ve been meditating, focusing on my breath, and training my brain to work though the pain. Welcome to the party, Ketamine, do your thing!

I’ve been wide awake since 3:30 am. It’s now 5:30. I spent the last 2 hours laughing at old videos of the kids and Jase going all the way back to 2016. I was mostly pain free and a bundle of energy. The pain has been a silent phantom slowly making itself a member of the family.

Sipping on coffee and heavy whipping cream (yes, it is sin in a mug) I’m imagining waking up and moving through the day without a burning sensation in every muscle and joint. Without tingling and numbness through my body. Trying to remember what it feels like to move effortlessly.

I’m also hoping I can relax enough to poop before we have to leave. Shut up, everyone poops and we all feel better after a good one, and I certainly don’t need to drag a ketamine I.V. into the shitter along with a nurse making sure I can wipe my ass while in a psychedelic frame of mind………or god forbid fall off the toilet and crack my head on the toilet paper dispenser.

Anyhoo, I’ll try to post my experiences over the next few days. Hoping for embarrassment free infusions……..fingers crossed……

Sloshy Gratitude

photo by me

Our lives are made up of numerous journeys. Together they make a whole.

Look upon others. Pause. Consider the chapters with in their lives. The chapters in your own life.

What chapter are you in dear reader?

Is the pen in your hand or do you feel as if it’s in another’s?

Both?

Focus on your breath, inhabit your body. Appreciate all that you are.

Dip into the well of gratitude. Don’t be stingy.

Fill it so that it sloshes as you carry it, soaking your feet, leaving imprints of gratitude in the places you travel. Share it with others.

Today, as you catch yourself holding your breath or tensing your shoulders against the heaviness, focus on one breath and remember you matter.

Ranty McRanter

Photo by me while driving.

Split personality?

Wrestling with how to live what you know?

Caught of guard by emotions that bubble up and words that fly from your lips………especially after you’ve taken the time to do your “inner work”?

In my minds eye I see heavy chains with impossible pad locks. The feeling of being bound sounds like static in my brain.

There’s a knowing beating in my heart. It sends out hope from the deep recess of my soul.

This knowing holds the key to the padlocks.

LET GO……….LET GO…….LET GO…….LET GO……

The picture above was taken a few days ago on my way to work. I’ve been hungrily gnawing at the truth that Spirit is not separate from us.

It is us.

There is no Santa Claus in the sky handing out party favors to the well behaved saints and laughing at others who are groveling in the dirt begging to be plucked from scarcity.

What sort of madness have we been taught as children? To believe in a Higher Power that we must bargain with, behave for, and serve….……………A Power that we are separate from? A Power that pooped us into existence and said “Figure out how to live. If you happen to get it right, there’s a reward for you in the end. ”

I could type for years about the misguided rot we’ve been spoon fed. It’s churning in my gut, curdling into a mass that is worthy of the sewer.

There is nothing any of us can do to become worthy of life. We already are.

Focus On What You CAN DO

Photo by me

There’s a list in your mind of what you have to do, want to do, should do etc etc etc

As humans we are familiar with brain sludge and feeling like there’s not enough time to get it all done.

Through illness I’ve learned to write down what I have done.

It’s less oppressive to fill a page in your own time frame than to have an already full page of tasks you may or may not have the ability to get to.

It gives you a feeling of capability.

Focusing on what you can do, is the equipment needed to navigate the ever changing landscape of an unpredictable illness.

Transitioning from land to water.

The above is my 16 year old son focused on what he can do with the right equipment.

Reminds me of possibilities.

Reminds me to focus on what I can do and not on what I’ve lost.