I Am Not A Diva

I don’t know where to begin.

Feels like I’m out of touch with blogging.

We spent a week in Leadville Colorado, by the Mt. Massive trail. I chuckle every time I say “Mount Massive”. It’s the second highest peak in the state, for anyone who’s in to facts.

Since my two oldest boys love the outdoors and live relatively close, they came out for the SNOWY weekend. Yes, snow, cold and yuck.

We enjoyed cocoa, shortbread and chicken noodle soup in the comfort of our cozy tent home.

My eyeballs are filled with tears as I type and share these images. Words can not articulate the gratitude I feel for these memories.

My left hip has decided to throw a tantrum, causing pain up and down my entire leg. We suspect it’s the change in bed, cold and the spinal chord cyst. Life is never without challenges.

I have also discovered I am not a diva. I tried using the diva cup before my period started and I’m glad I did. It is certainly not made for me.

I shoved, twisted and contorted that thing into my vag every which way possible. As the day progressed it fell out. I purchased the correct model for those who have had children. Apparently they need to design a cup for the “oddly shaped” vag. I have vivid memories of being in labor and nurses having to contort themselves and the hospital bed just to reach my cervix.

I can not imagine a diva cup filled with menstrual blood making an exit without any say in the matter.

We tore down camp yesterday, spent 5 hours driving, and landed in the town of Montrose at a $50 motel to regroup and take scalding hot showers. I tell ya what, after taking a solar shower in the snow this motel is like the fucking Hilton. Washing my hair that has been in braids and stuffed under a beanie was an exercise in patience, but I got the job done.

Our plan is to head toward warmer temperatures and find a place to set up camp.

Mentally I’m doing well. I had another telehealth appointment with my psychiatrist. She explained how my brain has been wired to believe “it’s never ok”. I am on the waiting list for the healing trauma program as I will only work with female practitioners. She said it’s worth the wait as it will help to gently re-wire by brain and get out of PTSD mode. In the meantime she upped my dose of buspar and said I can pop a gabapentin anytime I have a fibromyalgia flare or anxiety I can get control of.

Cricket is no longer with us.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I’ll likely never want to talk about it.

I feel like someone took an ice-cream scooper and gouged out my insides.

23 thoughts on “I Am Not A Diva

  1. Love the pictures!!!!

    I have an odd vag too. I used to go to a medical clinic where I was usually seen by family practice residents who had major difficulties. One time there was a resident plus a med student both lost in my vagina without a compass, and they finally gave up and went to haul one of the staff docs in for a 3-way party in my vagina.

    I’m so sorry about Cricket. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It looks like you had a wonderful visit. I’m so glad.
    I am also not a Diva, but for the exact opposite reason, it tried to suck my insides out when I tried to take it out! I got the smallest one, I’ve never had children, but it did not want to let go. It was awful. Good idea to try before your period, I didn’t. Enough said. I did use some great reusable pads I bought on Etsy. They lasted for years. And I just used all cotton tampons, expensive, but I didn’t use many. And I’m done with that now. Thankfully.

    My therapist and I were talking about dealing with trauma today and she suggested EMDR, not sure I can do it because of my vertigo though. Any thoughts?

    I’m so very sorry about Cricket. My heart goes out to you. Holding you close.

    Hugs and love

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Looks like it was a cozy visit. I’m glad you got to spend time together in a beautiful place, even if it was cold. I’m also glad you are still benefiting from the telehealth sessions. Good help is indeed worth a wait, though I hope yours will not be long. May you find the healing you need.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry about Cricket. ❤

    Thanks for the Diva Cup review, I'm not tempted anymore to purchase one myself. I've found underwear that is supposed to catch all of the flow or something like that. But I don't believe it will work either. I'll stick to my old methods I guess.

    Great to hear that you have access to the right help for you (I hope it's the right one). Better to wait a bit than to go through something that has no added value to your life.

    I hope you're doing fine.

    Liked by 1 person

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