Failed Suicide Attempt

I got a souvenir for my failed attempt at offing myself a few days ago.

This is not a post for sympathy, pity, “feel better”, “I’m so sorry” or judgement of any kind etc….etc….words fall flat when you’d rather be dead.

Suicide is a real thing. It’s a monster that hides in unseen cracks and pounces when you’re not looking. It puts you in handcuffs and controls your actions. Actions without feeling.

No one saw it coming, I didn’t see it coming.

Yes, dead……..and if you’ve never felt the yearning for that final peace, consider yourself lucky. If you’ve never felt hopeless to the point of seeing only blackness, consider yourself lucky. If life has never felt so heavy that your tired body can no longer carry it, consider yourself lucky. If you have felt these things I see you, I understand you…………..

Something snapped in my brain. Broke into a million shards of self hatred, discontent, unanswered questions, an ocean of shame that is no longer swimmable.

I was on a walk, came home and……….

I slammed a handful of klonopin, a handful of sonata, and an entire bottle of muscle relaxers. Downed them all with a glass of wine.

I sent my 4 kids a text letting them know I love them more than life and I will forever be sorry for the may times I’ve hurt and disappointed them. They are my world.

The next thing I remember is waking up in a weird place with magenta scrubs on. My first sentence “Where the FUCK are my underwear. Which one of you assholes took my underwear off?”(being a rape victim your undies are your most prized possession in life)

Then a squad of police officers put me in a van. The driver was a woman and was listening to heavy metal music. If I had the energy I would have pounded on the glass and screamed “Bitch! I just tried to kill myself, enough with the death metal you stupid cunt.”

Once at the mental health facility I had to completely undress in front of 3 nurses so they could check me for bruises. It was humiliating and I told them to just let me fucking get dressed.

They put me in a room with nothing on the walls, 2 plastic beds (think crib mattress) 1 pillow and a chair. The blankets on the bed were thinner than my favorite threadbare t-shirt. I cranked the heater up to 90.

The first doctor came in. She began her spiel that was clearly scripted. You know the one she says to every new patient. I said “Have you ever slept on one of these shitty beds?”

Her face went blank. “um no, I haven’t”

“Well, it should be a requirement for all the staff to sleep in one for at least a night. We are people here, not animals that can sleep on anything. And by the way I’m done listening to your scripted spiel, kindly get the fuck out of my room. This place is depressing and disgusting and I can’t believe you think you can actually help someone who’s hurting by putting them in a prison cell.”

“Um, we’ve been told this is a very nice facility.”

“Well it’s not, now get out of my disgusting room”

I was there 2 days. Refused food, refused meds and refused vitamins. At one point I tried to escape.

They let me go because I’m on Medicaid, government cheese. I lied to all their questions and said I was fine because people on Medicaid are treated differently than those with higher paying insurance.

Our landlord is pissed that I’ve been “exposed” to the coronavirus. He wants us out by the 1st because I’m now a liability. He doesn’t want to be responsible for a dead body. All the neighbors know and god forbid he’s embarrassed I’m here.

The terrible truth is that I’m pissed someone found me too soon. Life gives me an exhaustion to heavy to bear. There are too many problems to fix and I can’t see a way out of them.

I don’t care if you think suicide is selfish. It’s not. It’s an answer for problems that are too big. It’s rest. Maybe you think I’m a whiny ungrateful bitch, so be it.

47 thoughts on “Failed Suicide Attempt

  1. Checking out early is not the answer, you would just have to come back and face the same problems again. Deal with whatever you are going through, find that strength that is inside of you. We all have to deal with shit, and I know how painful life can be here. Do your time on this earth and learn the lessons you came here to learn, and then inspire others going through the same as you. You are strong, believe that you are, sometimes our hardest lessons turn out to be our greatest gift to ourselves x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know you didn’t want sympathy comments so let me just say this-thank you for your bravery in sharing this with us.
    I’m thankful today that you were here to write it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think this is a great opportunity for a fresh start. Providence smiles on you – every new day from now is a blessing and a miracle. Wishing you and your family well. Keep fighting, stay strong and stay safe. Much love

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been away. I haven’t been reading much of anything so I don’t know if you wrote anything before this, I just saw this and felt the need to reach out.
    I get it.
    I hear you.
    I don’t think your selfish.
    I think it’s incredibly brave, or at least you feel that it is at the time. It takes courage. Your mind believes it’s for the best, it’s the only thing you can do to help those you love. I felt that way, but I almost broke the people who love me. No matter the trouble, it turns out it is better faced together.
    But you may not be able to hear that right now.
    If you need a neutral person to talk to who cares I’m here.
    I don’t want to put my phone number here, I think you have my email from my comment here, if not apicnicwithants@gmail.com. If you have Facebook look me up, Wendy Calloway Holcombe, and Message me. We can chat.
    Remember I care.
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Mare. You are a walking example of a resilient spirit. You try to do all the right things. You try so hard to live and have such a beautiful spirit. It’s right there in your blog posts. Your music – the things which attract you and your creative flare. You try. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t. I know it is probably difficult to see it but your best days are ahead – you have so many great days ahead that you will miss out on. These are your shitty flaking days but ahead there is a whole lot better. You just have to keep walking across the bridge to get there. And bridges are sometimes difficult and scary. Keep walking. Keep walking and when life sweeps the legs out from under you – crawl. Life is precious and so are you. Sending you love – it’s a long way but right now I’m sending you all my love and I hope it shines in your eyeballs when you read this. Take a deep breath keep walking – email me – we will sort some shit out. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Some days it feels like a herd of Sasquatch’s shit on my head and all I have to dig myself out with is a broken toothpick 🤣
      Thank you for your kind and loving words, you’re making me cry over here.
      One foot in front of the other keep trying to do the next best thing, even if it’s just brushing my hair ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Aw Mare, I get you’ve been handed some shit cards. My heart breaks that you feel so dark to go there but I understand. It wasn’t too long ago that I felt so low, sitting in a dark loungeroom thinking how everyone is better off without me. It’s just not true. People love you. Your kids love you and need you. You are a strong and incredibly intelligent woman. I hope you find your way out of this dark place and keep going. Sending you a virtual hug and lots of love. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

  7. How did your landlord find out?
    Since I’m still mostly MIA, I’m not sure what I’ve missed on your blog. Talking rarely solves problems, but I’m here if you need it.
    I truly hope things turn around and work out.
    I’m sure those who love you are grateful for you still being here.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I see you and you’re beautiful to the core. You deserved a room with a view of the ocean, a bed with a down mattress and gossamer sheets. You deserved a hand to hold and kind eyes. I’m so sorry for your treatment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, thank you, that’s very kind 🙂 I was thinking about my experience when I woke up this morning and about how agitated I was at the treatment center. I imagine agitation is something they see a lot of. Certainly nothing for me to feel guilty over. Again, thank you for your lovely words.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m so upset to read this post. Please hang in there, Mare. I haven’t been as present on WordPress and am only catching up now. There’s so much I’d like to respond to on this post but would prefer to do it privately. Maybe you don’t have the energy right now. If you do want to chat you can email me at robin@blissfit.ie. I don’t know what it feels like to go through what you’re experiencing; I can, however, offer insight into what it’s like for those left behind. If your 4 children really are everything to you, please stay. They need you. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, I’m glad you don’t know what it feels like and I hope you never do. It’s something that I believe is out of a persons control. All we can do is look for help and hope we find the correct treatment for us as an individual. It’s not an easy road as it’s come for me many times in my life no matter how well I work at living. No matter how much I work at doing the next best thing, I’ve tried it all and keep trying. When the darkness overtakes you there is no thought. Everything you worked so hard for to be sane dissolves in an instant into ashes and blow away in the slightest breeze. And so you start over, again, and again and again. Telling yourself you’re not a slouch, You just haven’t found the right treatment yet. ((((HUGS)))) to you Robin 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. The fact that even medical staff fails to provide warmth when patients as sensitive as those who just tried to give up on themselves, truly breaks my heart. I hope each one us, regardless of our profession, cast, creed, or colour, could become a source of help and not devastation and sin. Also I am so happy to have found your blogging site. Love from one far-away-part of the world!

    Liked by 1 person

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