My trans son Archie wrote a song about depression. Love that he’s still playing the guitar I got him 8 years ago
Painted these little guys yesterday.
Came across an excellent blog a few days ago. “The Boy Behind the Door” The link will to take you to the first post and then each post is in chronological order.
It’s a true story about the life of an adopted Native American written by his lovely daughter. It’s an amazing read that will put you on the edge of your seat. I highly recommend it. Emma is a skilled writer and is sure to pull your heart strings and remind you how great the human spirit is.
I got through my “self care” list yesterday and even took 2 walks. One with Jase and one with cricket. The pic below is Cricket being in trouble for rolling in deer shit.
Here’s a video of our current back yard. This is our best rental home so far! Hoping we don’t have to leave since money has become an endangered species.
It’s Cricket right before she rolled in poop.
Hope you are all well. As always thank you for reading and for being a part of the blogosphere!
Cricket. Our cat.
She’s quite a character. Notice in the video I was painting a cat.
I’ve had a sore throat for days and I feel like someone ran me over, put the truck in reverse and did a doughnut over my flattened body. Could be an Epstein Barr flare, the virus that keeps on giving. I certainly don’t need the coronavirus on top of EBV.
The day before yesterday, Jase and I took our daily hike with Cricket and it felt like I had cinderblocks strapped to my limbs.
I don’t feel intense body pain, so thankful for that. I spoke to my ketamine doctor over the phone. She said since I did so well, they would like to maintain my results with a once a month infusion after the coronavirus blows over.
On top of being hormonal, feeling physically ill is triggering some depressed feelings. I’m not worried about anything, but it’s pulled my “corona routine” out from under me. I currently feel numb. Flatlined.
I know I need to honor the fact my body needs rest. I also know my sanity needs routine and some sort of plan. No one is going to make a suitable plan but me. I must stick to what I know, regardless of how dead I currently feel.
#1 Make a blog post, it’s been 3 days since my last
#2 Shower. I get points for the fact I’ve changed my underwear and put on fresh jammies. It’s now time for the pits, tits and ass rinse. My hair (it tickles my ass crack when I pee) truly needs some attention. There’s a dreadlock forming that will require a half gallon of conditioner.
#3 Meditate and journal. I know that I know that I know these practices are essential to my mental health.
#4 Paint some rocks. My new addiction. This I have been doing daily for the past week. It brings me calm. My 2 oldest boys are camping in the backcountry. They put their painted rocks outside their tents. Well, if that doesn’t put a lump in my throat, freakin kids making me cry. I made them similar rocks so there would be no fighting. They are 25 and 23 hahah 🙂
#5 Get outside. Even if I don’t have the energy to walk, fresh air is the best vitamin for me.
#6 Stick to proper meal times. It doesn’t matter if all I can stomach is crackers and tea. Keep a schedule Mare.
#7 Speak up when your mind starts looping. I am a skilled magician when it comes to the disappearing act, folding within myself and glazing over like a zombie. Last time I checked, Jase is a skilled listener and generous with hugs and affection. His exact words “Use me baby!”
#8 Take a nap.
You get the idea. Basic self care.
Why is it always the first to go when I feel like shit?
Meet Cake and Cupcake.
Industrial toilet paper ordered from Office Max. They lay on the bathroom floor. Just pull in an upward motion, tear, and wipe.
We are trying to keep our sense of humor intact while simultaneously feeling a host of other emotions.
Jase’s girls are in from Pennsylvania as we rent a home that is in the middle of nowhere and it feels safer, giving us all the opportunity to be outside. Our landlord who lives in Ohio has a 4 wheeler here that he lets us use.
We are keeping a loosely knit schedule, involving painting, being outside, naps, reading, movies and walks with Cricket the cat.
Yesterday on our stroll Cricket heard some dogs barking and refused to keep going. Jase picked her up and put the nape of her neck in his teeth like a mama cat. She went limp and became cooperative until we passed the perceived danger.
While playing a game of hide and seek outdoors, Cricket dutifully gave away my hiding spot. Sneaky cat.
Each time I catch myself thinking the worst case scenario about the future, I remind myself I am safe in this moment. We have rent for the following month and food in the kitchen.
Next month will have enough trouble of it’s own as Jase is not working and I’m barely working. This has become the life of so many families across the globe.
Thank you all for reading and commenting, this community is truly special. Jase and I are grateful to be a part of it.
Keep writing, laugh at anything you can, and be well.
This month I feel like I popped an Annuale.
My anxiety and frustration feel volcanic.
Doesn’t help that I cleaned someone’s home yesterday and over polished their copper sinks. They look like shiny new pennies and the home owners seemed pissed. I can’t stop thinking about it. They are literally being blinded by their sinks every time they brush their teeth. I need to put an end to cleaning million dollar homes……..I can’t handle the stress of fucking up.
Sounds so petty with all that’s going on in the world.
I tried a glass of wine last night. My first since Ketamine. It made things worse. I’m kind of glad as it will keep me from going back to 2 drinks a night.
Gotta ride out the storm and deal with my crazy. This too shall pass.
She cracked the code for 2020 back in December. You can read her insights here.
So how is Cricket handling the Coronavirus?
By learning to hike like a dog.
Hormones. The struggle is real.
Understanding what they are doing, when they are doing it is helpful.
I use The Hormone Horoscope App by Hormonolgy. It gives me a rundown of each day of my cycle. Here is an article from their web page about each week and what hormones are up to.
I’ve always struggled with PMS, and as I got older, felt very strongly it’s not an excuse for distasteful behavior.
I feel it’s my responsibility to understand my body and then work with it.
It’s also my responsibility to keep the people I live with informed.
Currently, my progesterone is on the rise. For me it causes sensory overload. I can literally see sounds. Being touched feels traumatizing. I feel the intensity rise until I’m completely underwater.
All I want is to lay in a fluffy cloud of comfort with salty foods and a cake on the side.
This is also the week where my mind betrays me. Negative thoughts feel brazen and rampant.
I’m aware and on the lookout. I take frequent timeouts because I know it’s merely my hormones and I don’t truly feel the way my mind thinks.
I meditate more. Focus on my breath more, in an attempt to tame the fiery ball of rage rolling in my gut.
Ok, time to go desensitize in a fluffy cloud.
Be well and stay safe………….someone near you may have the progesterone virus……….