My trans son Archie wrote a song about depression. Love that he’s still playing the guitar I got him 8 years ago
Painted these little guys yesterday.
Came across an excellent blog a few days ago. “The Boy Behind the Door” The link will to take you to the first post and then each post is in chronological order.
It’s a true story about the life of an adopted Native American written by his lovely daughter. It’s an amazing read that will put you on the edge of your seat. I highly recommend it. Emma is a skilled writer and is sure to pull your heart strings and remind you how great the human spirit is.
I got through my “self care” list yesterday and even took 2 walks. One with Jase and one with cricket. The pic below is Cricket being in trouble for rolling in deer shit.
Here’s a video of our current back yard. This is our best rental home so far! Hoping we don’t have to leave since money has become an endangered species.
It’s Cricket right before she rolled in poop.
Hope you are all well. As always thank you for reading and for being a part of the blogosphere!
Cricket. Our cat.
She’s quite a character. Notice in the video I was painting a cat.
I’ve had a sore throat for days and I feel like someone ran me over, put the truck in reverse and did a doughnut over my flattened body. Could be an Epstein Barr flare, the virus that keeps on giving. I certainly don’t need the coronavirus on top of EBV.
The day before yesterday, Jase and I took our daily hike with Cricket and it felt like I had cinderblocks strapped to my limbs.
I don’t feel intense body pain, so thankful for that. I spoke to my ketamine doctor over the phone. She said since I did so well, they would like to maintain my results with a once a month infusion after the coronavirus blows over.
On top of being hormonal, feeling physically ill is triggering some depressed feelings. I’m not worried about anything, but it’s pulled my “corona routine” out from under me. I currently feel numb. Flatlined.
I know I need to honor the fact my body needs rest. I also know my sanity needs routine and some sort of plan. No one is going to make a suitable plan but me. I must stick to what I know, regardless of how dead I currently feel.
#1 Make a blog post, it’s been 3 days since my last
#2 Shower. I get points for the fact I’ve changed my underwear and put on fresh jammies. It’s now time for the pits, tits and ass rinse. My hair (it tickles my ass crack when I pee) truly needs some attention. There’s a dreadlock forming that will require a half gallon of conditioner.
#3 Meditate and journal. I know that I know that I know these practices are essential to my mental health.
#4 Paint some rocks. My new addiction. This I have been doing daily for the past week. It brings me calm. My 2 oldest boys are camping in the backcountry. They put their painted rocks outside their tents. Well, if that doesn’t put a lump in my throat, freakin kids making me cry. I made them similar rocks so there would be no fighting. They are 25 and 23 hahah 🙂
#5 Get outside. Even if I don’t have the energy to walk, fresh air is the best vitamin for me.
#6 Stick to proper meal times. It doesn’t matter if all I can stomach is crackers and tea. Keep a schedule Mare.
#7 Speak up when your mind starts looping. I am a skilled magician when it comes to the disappearing act, folding within myself and glazing over like a zombie. Last time I checked, Jase is a skilled listener and generous with hugs and affection. His exact words “Use me baby!”
#8 Take a nap.
You get the idea. Basic self care.
Why is it always the first to go when I feel like shit?
Meet Cake and Cupcake.
Industrial toilet paper ordered from Office Max. They lay on the bathroom floor. Just pull in an upward motion, tear, and wipe.
We are trying to keep our sense of humor intact while simultaneously feeling a host of other emotions.
Jase’s girls are in from Pennsylvania as we rent a home that is in the middle of nowhere and it feels safer, giving us all the opportunity to be outside. Our landlord who lives in Ohio has a 4 wheeler here that he lets us use.
We are keeping a loosely knit schedule, involving painting, being outside, naps, reading, movies and walks with Cricket the cat.
Yesterday on our stroll Cricket heard some dogs barking and refused to keep going. Jase picked her up and put the nape of her neck in his teeth like a mama cat. She went limp and became cooperative until we passed the perceived danger.
While playing a game of hide and seek outdoors, Cricket dutifully gave away my hiding spot. Sneaky cat.
Each time I catch myself thinking the worst case scenario about the future, I remind myself I am safe in this moment. We have rent for the following month and food in the kitchen.
Next month will have enough trouble of it’s own as Jase is not working and I’m barely working. This has become the life of so many families across the globe.
Thank you all for reading and commenting, this community is truly special. Jase and I are grateful to be a part of it.
Keep writing, laugh at anything you can, and be well.
This month I feel like I popped an Annuale.
My anxiety and frustration feel volcanic.
Doesn’t help that I cleaned someone’s home yesterday and over polished their copper sinks. They look like shiny new pennies and the home owners seemed pissed. I can’t stop thinking about it. They are literally being blinded by their sinks every time they brush their teeth. I need to put an end to cleaning million dollar homes……..I can’t handle the stress of fucking up.
Sounds so petty with all that’s going on in the world.
I tried a glass of wine last night. My first since Ketamine. It made things worse. I’m kind of glad as it will keep me from going back to 2 drinks a night.
Gotta ride out the storm and deal with my crazy. This too shall pass.
She cracked the code for 2020 back in December. You can read her insights here.
So how is Cricket handling the Coronavirus?
By learning to hike like a dog.
Hormones. The struggle is real.
Understanding what they are doing, when they are doing it is helpful.
I use The Hormone Horoscope App by Hormonolgy. It gives me a rundown of each day of my cycle. Here is an article from their web page about each week and what hormones are up to.
I’ve always struggled with PMS, and as I got older, felt very strongly it’s not an excuse for distasteful behavior.
I feel it’s my responsibility to understand my body and then work with it.
It’s also my responsibility to keep the people I live with informed.
Currently, my progesterone is on the rise. For me it causes sensory overload. I can literally see sounds. Being touched feels traumatizing. I feel the intensity rise until I’m completely underwater.
All I want is to lay in a fluffy cloud of comfort with salty foods and a cake on the side.
This is also the week where my mind betrays me. Negative thoughts feel brazen and rampant.
I’m aware and on the lookout. I take frequent timeouts because I know it’s merely my hormones and I don’t truly feel the way my mind thinks.
I meditate more. Focus on my breath more, in an attempt to tame the fiery ball of rage rolling in my gut.
Ok, time to go desensitize in a fluffy cloud.
Be well and stay safe………….someone near you may have the progesterone virus……….
I came across a poem I wrote last January when I was in the throes of a deep depression.
I was suicidal for a good 3 months. The darkness was so thick it made everything black. Looking back at these words, I can see there was a distant hope that I couldn’t feel at the time:
“Peaceful corner ~ My fragility in an envelope of down.
Piano music ~ a remembrance that I live ~ a distant depth ~ I am not the blackness
I am every color ~ every emotion ~every language ~ humanness ~ Spirit connected
Depression is stillness ~ Stillness is beauty ~ stillness bears hope ~ rounding the corner ~ the fog will dissipate ~ a first breath ~ cells creeping from their coma ~ hang on Mare for nothing can last forever“
I honestly don’t know what lifted it. I remember thinking “Who will take care of the cat if I kill myself?” Little 4 legged friend who found us just 2 months prior to the depression.
I can remember being depressed as a teenager.
I remember downing an entire bottle of aspirin. I didn’t know how to ask for help.
Last winter I knew to ask for help. To share what I was going though. There were some who avoided me like a disease, others who shared their own experiences, and some who gave me blank stares.
Depression is real. Just because you aren’t feeling it at the present moment does not mean it itsn’t. Maybe you’re one of the few who’ve never felt it, I urge you to be compassionate and understanding.
I’ll leave you with a few lines from Gary Zukav’s “The Seat of the Soul” as I find these words both beautiful and wise:
“Who among us is an expert on the human experience? We have only the gift of sharing perceptions that hopefully can help those on their journey. There is no such thing as an expert on the human experience. The human experience is an experience in movement and thought and form, and in some cases an experiment in movement and thought and form. The most that we can do is comment on the movement, the thought and the form, but those comments are of great value if they can help people to learn to move gracefully, to think clearly, to form – like artists- the matter of their lives.
Thank you Eileen for this incredible idea.
Eileen is an energy healer, and her blog is like reading a novel you don’t want to put down. Head to her homepage and read her fascinating story on how she became a healer.
Jase’s girls are here while their school is closed and this has been the perfect activity for us. We don’t notice the hours go by. The other night we painted through the dinner hour. That will certainly keep us from running out of food, hahaha!
Yesterday was a bit rough as my youngest son celebrated his 16th birthday in Illinois. It’s a challenge to not feel like a shit mother, him living so far away. The dialogue in my brain is murderous.
I used to make him loaves of the best banana bread on his bday. He sent a text asking for the recipe. His dad’s girlfriend had made some, and in my son’s exact words “it’s drier than the desert.”
Breaks my heart into a million pieces and punches a hole in my gut that will never be filled. 16 years old and he still wants mom’s banana bread. Did he have to make it himself after I sent the recipe?
Life can throw us a few unforeseen punches, can it not? I chose to leave the Midwest after getting divorced. I’ve asked many times if I should move back and every time my son’s reply “No mom, coming to visit gives me something to look forward too.”
Long story short, I couldn’t afford to bring him with me and his dad would never allow it.
So, in the midst of the pain, gratitude cuddles up next to it. Thankful we have maintained a relationship. Thankful to be close to all 4 of my boys although I’m no longer with their father.
Pain and gratitude co-exist in the same heart.
They must, there is no other way.
Hello everyone, it’s me Kasu. *Jase’s daughter 🙂
Have you ever taken time to just think? It can be hard to do with so much on our plate. Even if you aren’t doing anything, you just feel to busy. As a moody teenager, it always feels hard to so, but sometimes I like to just lay down, relax, and think. When you take time to think you may realize, have I made the best decisions? Have I been doing what I should be? How long has it been since i last had fun? Have I done the stuff on my bucket list yet? As the everyday person, we never want to push our limits, never want to step out of our box, never want to stop. Maybe it’s time to change that?
Here is what I want you to do, try something that relaxes you. Sometimes we may not know what relaxes us and if that’s the case then maybe you shloud try and find out. Today I got paint rocks with my dad, my sister, and Mare. I sat there for 3 hours letting my imagination run wild (but still calm of course). Maybe you like sports or drawing, whatever the case though, make some time to do that. To enjoy and relax yourself!