My heart is a tangle of thoughts, emotions, experiences, circumstances, and beliefs.
Stuck in a web of spiritual knowing and medical information.
This journey so far has unveiled that I never enter into deep sleep, there’s a cyst on my spinal column, vitamin deficiencies and Epstein Barr Virus.
We learned of the spinal cyst this week. It explains why my hiking and running abilities have slowly diminished. Why riding a bike is nearly impossible. Walking up stairs requires such mental focus.
They can run tests on my nerves to see the extent of the damage. I can also speak to a neurosurgeon.
So, here I sit.
More blood work is scheduled, I have an appointment with a pain management clinic etc…….I am on sleep meds to reset my body and hopefully get it back into deep sleep. I have a candy store of muscle relaxers, vitamins, and some weird pain med.
As I type, the entire left side of my body is numb and tingling. There’s aching and burning in all muscles and joints. My eyes feel sunken in and my face feels like it’s sliding off. My feet are frozen, my hands are hot.
I have 2 choices.
#1: Focus on all the sensations and go stark raving mad. Dive head first into anger and hatred over how my meat suit feels. How I feel betrayed by the body I thought I was taking care of with exercise and nutrition. Resistance at its’ finest.
#2: Accept what is, breathe deeply, and focus on what I know to be true for me.
My truth can not be taken from me.
I do believe the key to surviving the human experience is to find your truth. Find it, cling to it, understand that it’s yours, and if you tend to it, it will grow deeper and more beautiful over time.
In a world where numerous beliefs are circulating, you have the right to find what is true for you without making anyone else wrong. (I am guilty of going though a phase of thinking I had it all figured out.)
A belief that says “this is the ONLY way” is a belief of fear and controll.
That’s all I have for today. Be well, be kind, and find something to laugh about.
Thank you for reading.