Monthly Archives: February 2020

I’m Friggin Rich

Photo by me

Though I have yet to find a pot of gold and dance wildly with leprechauns, sighting a rainbow is a magical event.

On second thought………….

There are two pots of gold across from me on the couch. I call them Jase and Cricket. Well, sometimes I call them asshole and turd ferguson.

I found many pots of gold at my retail job today in my co-workers and customers whom I can joke and laugh with.

AND in the conversation with a bestie almost 1,000 miles away on my drive in.

Come to think of it, another pal in Arizona that messaged me I’ll be getting a book Monday and another who consistently checks in on me.

AND my eldest son and his girlfriend brought us pizza and tiramisu on Sunday along with completing a 1,000 piece jig saw puzzle with us.

Of course I have to mention we are all wealthier with blogs from : Kate, Goldie, Robin, V, Pooja G, Kacha, Ashley and so many more!

Holy Shit, I’m fucking RICH………oh wait……there’s no leprechauns…..

Clean Out The Ears in Your Heart

photo by me

Well hey there faith.

You look a little cold, a bit buried under the snow, as if you might be hibernating.

Your faith is in your hands. It belongs to you and is your responsibility.

Your soul is at the center. It is without time, place or circumstance. It is eternal. Infinite……………..connected to source energy.

Letting go of all you think you know is the most important “task” you will ever accomplish.

Do you hear it?

The quiet whisper?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act without doing;
Work without effort.
Think of the small as large
and the few as many.
Confront the difficult
While it is still easy;
accomplish the great task
by a series of small acts.

The Master never reaches for the great;
thus he achieves greatness.
When he runs into a difficulty,
He stops and gives himself to it.
He doesn’t cling to his own comfort;
thus problems are no problem for him.

Tao Te Ching, 63

Fur The Love Of The Herd

Thanks fur the laughs my freinds

We had the pleasure of running into these lovely ladies on a drive today.

I needed to get out of the house and my head. Needed a break from pain and fatigue.

After driving though a manicured subdivision, this unlikely herd was just what I needed to pull me out of the spiral I started to drown in at the sight of more construction. For fuck’s sake, let’s not go there.

I’ve never fit into a manicured lifestyle.

When I was married and raising my family I made every attempt to look like I belonged there, but in my heart I longed for the unkept herd with the patchy fur and bad haircuts.

The herd not afraid to lick their nostrils with their tongue, instead of those fenced in by societies expectations.

The herd not afraid to let the grass grow wild because that meant more wild flowers, instead of those afraid of what the HOA and the neighbor’s would think.

There’s nothing wrong with any lifestyle, but it can feel all wrong if you’re not where you’re meant to be.

Hell, I have a son who felt like an alien in his body and he’s doing something about it.

I know and love people in many herds.

After we drove a bit, Jase, not knowing any of the dialogue in my brain, said “Hey Mare? When we have more money, will we still live a small life?”

Me: “Oh. Hell. Yes. Honey. Oh, hell yes”…………….

Stop The Dizzying Direction Dilema

The many directions are dizzying.

Do this, do that, go here, don’t go there, try this not that………read this, listen to that………be mindful, eat well, exercise, work hard but don’t forget self care……..

Spinning in the circle of opinions and advice is nauseating business.

There are things we believe and truths that we know.

Truth comes from experience. No one can argue you out of your own experience. Your experience, that’s concrete.

Beliefs…..hmmmm now those are shape shifting little buggars.

For years I believed the medication highway was not for me. I believed in meditation, not medication. Oh how those beliefs are a shiftin!

I have tried more medications in the past 5 months than in all of my 44 years on this planet, and in 2 weeks I’m going to have Ketamine infusions.

Truth is: I’m miserable. My body is wracked with pain from head to toe. I feel like I’m dragging it though quick sand. Laying down is the only thing that provides a little relief. It hurts to move.

I’ve exercised, eaten healthy, consumed top of the line supplements, meditated, stretched, gotten rest, listened to and read spiritual text etc…for most of my adult years. I began searching for optimal health in body, mind and spirit in my early 20’s.

My truth tells me: SO FUCKING WHAT!?

Do I believe that those things are “good”? Am I still participating in these activities. Sure do and sure am but my truth tells me something different.

My truth tells me: YOU HAVE NO COTROL

I read this today: “Do not despair, then, because of limitations. It is your function to escape from them, but not to be with out them. If you would be heard by those who suffer, you must speak their language.”

I’ve never taken the time to learn a foreign language but I’m being taught one against my will.

I suppose it’s time to let go and listen.

I’ll Have The Venti Vent

Writing to vent.

A form of therapy. Give your hands free license to fly across the keys with out pause.

Get it off your chest.

The frustration, the gratitude, the ideas and woes.

Life is meant to be shared.

Share what comes up, free from worry of what others will think.

Have you had a week of weird?

Me too.

It started with excruciating pain.

Then a consult at a pain clinic and making the decision to move forward with ketamine infusions in a couple weeks. Getting more blood drawn. Reading the MRI report, finding the neurologist failed to share there’s a cyst on my left kidney, and the cyst on the left side of my spine is causing severe spinal chord stenosis. What the hell is up with the left side of my body?

Continue on to driving up our mountain last night in yet another snow storm, having to back up and let some neighbors pass. Getting stuck and blocking us all in. Another neighbor towing my back end, practically sending me soaring off the edge of the mountain. Eventually getting underway, climbing up, hitting ice, loosing control of my truck as it slid backwards down the mountain, yanking the emergency break, slamming it into park, still sliding, eventually, miraculously coming to a stop. Shaking, hyperventilating, blindly making it up, safely home. Getting a message from neighbors that three cars slid down into one another in the exact spot I did. Thankful no one fell to their deaths…………..having to call into work today, even though my bank account continues to dance with a negative balance.

There is much I’m grateful for, but holy shit, sometimes I need to verbally vomit the nausea of existence.

Determination

Cricket the Cat

I am determined.

A puddle of tears, in the worst body pain I have ever felt.

I thought I was improving.

Jase and I saw an increase of energy over the past week.

I am determined.

I’m not giving up.

Determined: having made a firm decision and being resolved not to change it.

Stop Should~ing On Yourself and Others

What good is it when you find yourself in a precarious situation and exclaim “I SHOULD have done it differently!”

Why should on yourself like that?

All the shoulding in the world, will not, can not, change the fact that you did it the way you did it, and you are in the situation NOW.

What’s done is done.

Let us also put and end to shoulding on others.

“I think you SHOULD do it this way.”……………”You SHOULD have done what I suggested.”…………..”I told you so.” ……..”Why can’t you do it like me.”

The past is the past. It happened. No one can change the past.

There are Should have’s from the past, Should have’s for the future and Should be’s for the present moment.

Can we remove the shame of shoulding on ourselves and others?

We hold tightly to our shoulds.

Our parents, our exes, our friends, and children should have done it differently.

News flash: THEY CANT DO IT DIFFRENTLY.

No one on the face of this planet can go back and change the choices they’ve made, and we hold the power to give others the benefit of the doubt that they did the best with what they had, knew and felt at the time.

AND we hold the power to forgive ourselves. I here by excuse you from the shoulds you have weighing on your shoulders.

Poof! You’re a million pounds lighter.

~ Funny story about the above pictures. This past Thursday, I was backing down the drive and my truck slid into a pickle. It took us all day to get it out and ended up destroying the fence. The miracle is my front tire was an inch from the edge of the deck wall. My truck could have rolled over onto the deck and into the house. Miracles do happen and Jase never once told me what I “SHOULD” have done. ~