I seem to be moving in and out of gratitude, anger and fear.
I’ll take movement over stagnation any day.
Millions of people are suffering daily for multitudes of reasons, I’m well aware.
But this is my story. My corner to vent, show my fangs and then put them away.
As of late, I use all of my energy for work. When I say “energy”, it’s a lie, because I don’t have any. A better description is, I’m forcing myself to work, and my bank account is still at a negative balance, but on the bright side I have February’s rent.
Is it weird to say it’s a relief to not have enough money? I’ve been afraid of not having enough since my divorce and now that it’s happening I’m kind of relieved. I’ve traumatized myself for years and the trauma is over. My worst fear has materialized and it’s not as bad as I thought. Put rent first so you have a roof over your head and let the bill collectors do their jobs so they don’t get bored. I’m all about helping others.
Illness is slowly dissolving worries about certain subjects. The situation is too big for my humanness to figure out.
Everyday I feel as if I pedaled a bike up Mt. Everest through quick sand.
Being angry doesn’t feel good so I’m moving on. I’m putting my fangs away until further notice.