Could you have predicted your future 10 years ago?
Where were you 10 years ago?
I was married with 4 children, moving from my hometown in IL to an even smaller town in WI. If you would have asked me what life would look like in 10 years my answer would have been: “Pretty much the same except the kids are older.”
FAST FORWARD 10 YEARS:
A divorced minimalist, living in Colorado, renting a fully furnished cabin on the side of a mountain with a super hot boyfriend. Working my ass off, broke as hell with confusing health issues. Two of my grown boys live with in an hour of me. I have a transgender son 4 months into transition while in his 3rd year of college, and my youngest back in IL chomping at the bit to move to Colorado when he turns 18 because I can’t afford it and his dad won’t fund it.
I could not have predicted my future. The anxiety and worry didn’t do a damn thing except sap my energy and joy.
How do you cope with the peculiar dance of life? Have you found strategies that work for you? Anything to calm the anxiety?
We will face unknowns. We find ourselves in situations we didn’t plan or ask for. (except for the hot boyfriend, I asked specifically for that )
I look at Jase’s parents who spent their lives working hard, planning for their retirement now in their 70’s. His dad with early onset dementia didn’t leave his bedroom all day and insists on walking around with one shoe. They are sitting on a gold mine of savings that they aren’t using to travel the world. They are prisoners in their home to a disease they didn’t predict 10 years ago.
Where will we be in 10 years?
I like to imagine myself independently wealthy, doing work that lights me up and helps multitudes of people reach for the best versions of themselves. I like to envision joy and robust health with mine and Jases’s children and grandchildren thriving around us. I’d like to travel.
The truth is I spent the day in bed, cursing mystery body pain that I don’t have all the answers for.
I got dressed this morning with the intentions of grocery shopping only to have a panic attack when my ass hit the seat of my car. I went back inside, promptly put my jammies back on and ordered groceries online for Jase to pick up on his way home from work in the evening.
I have limited energy and constant pain. Grocery shopping requires use of my body and I don’t make any money doing it. I save my energy for tasks that generate income.
I scheduled a brain MRI that the doctor ordered. Took a 2 hour nap and read many pages in “A Course in Miracles” hoping for some emotional relief.
I’ve become a ball of anxiety wound tightly by feelings of worthlessness.
To say the future scares me is an understatement. It’s fucking terrifying. Hope feels thin.
When hard times hit no one knows if they will be triumphant. Will theirs be a story that will inspire hope or will it be an unfortunate tale of struggle and defeat.
For now I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m the main attraction in my own self care circus: Eating clean, taking high quality supplements, meditating, stretching, PT exercises, putting on my fake smile while working, and crying into Jase’s armpit at night. I’m not tall enough to reach his shoulder.
I had the audacity to believe that I was moving through all of this with my mind in tact. Just a week and a half ago I woke up exclaiming, “I can’t believe I’m waking up feeling happy in my mind!” This week that statement is no longer true.
Unsettled days leave you fidgety in body and mind. Looking for a release. It’s too early to have a glass of wine. If you have a glass at 2pm that’s called escapism. Wait until 5, you won’t feel as guilty.
There’s nothing I want to do. Plenty I should do. I’m lacking in energy from having worked 6 days this week.
My head swirls with anxiety. I laugh at my awkwardness. It’s comical to watch myself as an outsider. Look at the unsettled mid lifer in her flannel pajamas. She reads a book for 5 mins……..scrubs the shower for 10……..sits on the deck and stares at a tree……opens the fridge…….closes the fridge……what is this mediocre mountain mama waiting for…..searching for?????
Being an adult sucks dick.
There’s no one around to give you ideas or tell you what to do. Life can become a shapeless blob. There’s no structure unless you give it structure. No one is going to save you.
If you’re a wise, conscious adult, you see the futility of the structure and everything feels like a fucking waste of time. Gone are the days of naivety. You’ve lived too much. Seen too much.
In your spiritual little heart of hearts you know everything matters, everything is connected and nothing is wasted.
Long story short, because we all have lives to live, boricvag worked. I have my vagina back and maybe you could have yours back too. That is, if you’re suffering. It is for all types of vaginal issues.