Good Luck Predicting Your Future

photo by me

Could you have predicted your future 10 years ago?

I can’t.

I try.

Where were you 10 years ago?

I was married with 4 children, moving from my hometown in IL to an even smaller town in WI. If you would have asked me what life would look like in 10 years my answer would have been: “Pretty much the same except the kids are older.”

WRONG

FAST FORWARD 10 YEARS:

A divorced minimalist, living in Colorado, renting a fully furnished cabin on the side of a mountain with a super hot boyfriend. Working my ass off, broke as hell with confusing health issues. Two of my grown boys live with in an hour of me. I have a transgender son 4 months into transition while in his 3rd year of college, and my youngest back in IL chomping at the bit to move to Colorado when he turns 18 because I can’t afford it and his dad won’t fund it.

I could not have predicted my future. The anxiety and worry didn’t do a damn thing except sap my energy and joy.

How do you cope with the peculiar dance of life? Have you found strategies that work for you? Anything to calm the anxiety?

We will face unknowns. We find ourselves in situations we didn’t plan or ask for. (except for the hot boyfriend, I asked specifically for that )

I look at Jase’s parents who spent their lives working hard, planning for their retirement now in their 70’s. His dad with early onset dementia didn’t leave his bedroom all day and insists on walking around with one shoe. They are sitting on a gold mine of savings that they aren’t using to travel the world. They are prisoners in their home to a disease they didn’t predict 10 years ago.

Where will we be in 10 years?

I like to imagine myself independently wealthy, doing work that lights me up and helps multitudes of people reach for the best versions of themselves. I like to envision joy and robust health with mine and Jases’s children and grandchildren thriving around us. I’d like to travel.

The truth is I spent the day in bed, cursing mystery body pain that I don’t have all the answers for.

I got dressed this morning with the intentions of grocery shopping only to have a panic attack when my ass hit the seat of my car. I went back inside, promptly put my jammies back on and ordered groceries online for Jase to pick up on his way home from work in the evening.

I have limited energy and constant pain. Grocery shopping requires use of my body and I don’t make any money doing it. I save my energy for tasks that generate income.

I scheduled a brain MRI that the doctor ordered. Took a 2 hour nap and read many pages in “A Course in Miracles” hoping for some emotional relief.

I’ve become a ball of anxiety wound tightly by feelings of worthlessness.

To say the future scares me is an understatement. It’s fucking terrifying. Hope feels thin.

When hard times hit no one knows if they will be triumphant. Will theirs be a story that will inspire hope or will it be an unfortunate tale of struggle and defeat.

For now I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m the main attraction in my own self care circus: Eating clean, taking high quality supplements, meditating, stretching, PT exercises, putting on my fake smile while working, and crying into Jase’s armpit at night. I’m not tall enough to reach his shoulder.

I had the audacity to believe that I was moving through all of this with my mind in tact. Just a week and a half ago I woke up exclaiming, “I can’t believe I’m waking up feeling happy in my mind!” This week that statement is no longer true.

Admit. Accept. Move forward.

A lot can happen in 10 years………

10 thoughts on “Good Luck Predicting Your Future

  1. SO true. I would not think I’d be where I am even 3 years ago, let alone 10! I think what gives you anxiety, gives me peace. Precisely because I am aware of the unknown, I do not worry about the future. There isn’t a 50/50 chance it will go this or that way. There is an infinite number of options with percentages varying with every minute. It’s impossible to figure out any probability. If I cannot predict it and shape it to my liking, why worry? So I focus on today. One day at a time…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Acceptance is our greatest super power – accept the present like you chose it – with complete peace and then look toward a better future. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before but have you had a look at medical medium – if you look him up online he has a lot to say about mystery illness and his work has cured many people – it’s a strange backstory but my gut believes him. Maybe something to research. You have the greatest personality it shines through in your posts and comments. Everyone has bad weeks and even months. Keep your chin up girl – hey we’re family remember and I wish I could sit down and have a cup of tea with you. Xx keep fighting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you 🙂 “Accept the present like you chose it.” I want to paint that on my forehead.
      Thank you for reminding me that medical medium in on my ever growing to do list. I’m going to look him up right now.
      YOU are so inspiring, I tell Jase about you daily, and yes a cuppa tea would be lovely!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m glad you are looking up medical medium – I came across after a girl that I met on a course was telling me how much reading his books had helped her – saved her life actually – she had had breast implants and had them removed but also had a toxic mould issue that had left her flattened in bed. She was very young and beautiful with a little family and she healed herself with his protocols and it took awhile but she got there. I’m sure you will find hope in his wisdom. If you decide to read his books read the blue one first – Anthony Williams – he also has Facebook and Instagram – helps many many people – lives in the US so you could even call him probably.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wonders never cease, Jase just so happens to have the book on his kindle 🙂 I’m truly grateful for you taking the time to share what you know 🙂 The universe has it’s way of nudging us in the right direction……..We need simply to breathe and listen…..

        Liked by 1 person

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