“I can make memories with the couch or with the people I love.”
Stubborn little woman.
Snowed in for days……..I’m going too……I’ll recover later………It’s Thanksgiving for fucks sake……….
Keep your heart fierce.
A body is just a body after all.
We made the trek down the mountain, through the grocery store, and back up the mountain. As you can see, Jase has a pack on his back and on the front. That’s my pack. I had the job of carrying the chips and tofu. Even that was too much.
I carried the pain and the fatigue. We had a chat: “Listen here you 2 fuckers, if you insist on being in my life, I will demand on my way from time to time. You WILL NOT destroy me today. Because, you see, I’m a stubborn little woman. Put on your boots, lets go.”
The ones that haunt you years after you’ve seen them……..so you watch them again, and again……
You know the ones. They make you FEEL.
I’ve been feeling plenty the past few days.
Jase and I are snowed in. Buried on the side of a mountain under 30 inches of snow. The man who plows is OUT OF TOWN. We live in a small community that is not part of the “city”. We are on our own up here.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. My 3rd son Archie flies in tonight. And this my friends is what our refrigerator looks like:
Clean as a fucking whistle.
I had to cancel our grocery order (I’m sick remember) because there’s no way to get all the food up here.
Jase. Romantic Jase.
He is in town as I type. He romanced the snow and got my truck the 2 miles to the bottom of the mountain. Downhill is the do~able part.
He is at the grocery store with a back pack purchasing simple items that he is going to HIKE BACK UP TO THE HOUSE. The truck won’t make it back. The families in our community are all parked at the bottom of the mountain. Everyone has to hike to and fro.
Later, he’s going to hike his gorgeous 6 foot 3 body back down the mountain and drive an hour to the airport to retrieve my son. Then he’s going to hike back up with Archie, carrying Archie’s luggage.
This is a romance film I won’t forget.
I don’t want to watch it ever again, but I’ll never forget it.
I’m on the sidelines being frustrated as hell with my body.
The healthy me would be hiking back up and down this mountain, showing it who’s boss. I would be hiking with my son, creating holiday memories to laugh about in the years to come.
Instead I will whip him up the most badass peanut butter and honey thanksgiving sandwich he’s ever sunk his teeth into. And I’ll serve it with gratitude, a smile and a giant hug.
I feel hurt by the client who’s house I was supposed to clean today. She’s hosting 20 in her brand-new mansion. Her floors wont’ be clean and she’s pissed. She thinks I still live in my previous location, not remembering I moved to the mountain 6 months ago. I received a long text stating she will have to find someone else to do her floors etc….later another text saying her husband, bless this man, reminded her of where I now live and he’d be happy to do the floors. No apology. I think I still have a job.
I feel like an object, an afterthought.
My pain is real……hers is just as real…….pain is pain.
You’ve got a man romancing the snow for you……..now that I think about it maybe I should have rent him out to scrub floors for the holiday’s. We could turn this into a real Cinderella story.
Life can feel like something we caught out of the corner of our eye, instead of the rich experience it is meant to be.
Fighting numbness in our daily routine is a battle worth fighting. Put on your armor and get to task.
Stand on the outside of your life. Take a look from a different angle.
What do you see dear one?
I laid in bed last night, my body screaming with pain, worrying about money, unable to sleep. I took the med the doc prescribed and hours later was crying my eyes out still unable to sleep. I woke Jase and took a second med……..still no sleep…..meditation……reading…..pacing about the house…….thinking about my upcoming brain MRI…….the kids coming for the holidays…….
Today, I saw adventure.
I stood outside our fully furnished rented cabin with Cricket and looked inside. We’ve been on a 3 year adventure that’s still being written.
I saw our books strewn about, our favorite spots on the couch, the orchid still in bloom from a sweet girl embarking on her first year in college, the succulents given to me by a dear friend. The furniture we don’t own and wont have to fuck with when we decide to move on. The view, oh my god, the view we wake up to every morning.
I heard the conversations and arguments that have made our relationship stronger, the dinners with my boys, the tender moments and laughter. The joy Cricket brings everyday.
We don’t own any of it, but holy shit, we are here, this is our life right now. I waste days worrying and feeling anxious about my health and finances. I worry for my children’s safety. I’m wasting what’s in front of me.
Worry is eating me from the inside out.
So I stood on the outside and took a look with in.
Could you have predicted your future 10 years ago?
Where were you 10 years ago?
I was married with 4 children, moving from my hometown in IL to an even smaller town in WI. If you would have asked me what life would look like in 10 years my answer would have been: “Pretty much the same except the kids are older.”
FAST FORWARD 10 YEARS:
A divorced minimalist, living in Colorado, renting a fully furnished cabin on the side of a mountain with a super hot boyfriend. Working my ass off, broke as hell with confusing health issues. Two of my grown boys live with in an hour of me. I have a transgender son 4 months into transition while in his 3rd year of college, and my youngest back in IL chomping at the bit to move to Colorado when he turns 18 because I can’t afford it and his dad won’t fund it.
I could not have predicted my future. The anxiety and worry didn’t do a damn thing except sap my energy and joy.
How do you cope with the peculiar dance of life? Have you found strategies that work for you? Anything to calm the anxiety?
We will face unknowns. We find ourselves in situations we didn’t plan or ask for. (except for the hot boyfriend, I asked specifically for that )
I look at Jase’s parents who spent their lives working hard, planning for their retirement now in their 70’s. His dad with early onset dementia didn’t leave his bedroom all day and insists on walking around with one shoe. They are sitting on a gold mine of savings that they aren’t using to travel the world. They are prisoners in their home to a disease they didn’t predict 10 years ago.
Where will we be in 10 years?
I like to imagine myself independently wealthy, doing work that lights me up and helps multitudes of people reach for the best versions of themselves. I like to envision joy and robust health with mine and Jases’s children and grandchildren thriving around us. I’d like to travel.
The truth is I spent the day in bed, cursing mystery body pain that I don’t have all the answers for.
I got dressed this morning with the intentions of grocery shopping only to have a panic attack when my ass hit the seat of my car. I went back inside, promptly put my jammies back on and ordered groceries online for Jase to pick up on his way home from work in the evening.
I have limited energy and constant pain. Grocery shopping requires use of my body and I don’t make any money doing it. I save my energy for tasks that generate income.
I scheduled a brain MRI that the doctor ordered. Took a 2 hour nap and read many pages in “A Course in Miracles” hoping for some emotional relief.
I’ve become a ball of anxiety wound tightly by feelings of worthlessness.
To say the future scares me is an understatement. It’s fucking terrifying. Hope feels thin.
When hard times hit no one knows if they will be triumphant. Will theirs be a story that will inspire hope or will it be an unfortunate tale of struggle and defeat.
For now I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m the main attraction in my own self care circus: Eating clean, taking high quality supplements, meditating, stretching, PT exercises, putting on my fake smile while working, and crying into Jase’s armpit at night. I’m not tall enough to reach his shoulder.
I had the audacity to believe that I was moving through all of this with my mind in tact. Just a week and a half ago I woke up exclaiming, “I can’t believe I’m waking up feeling happy in my mind!” This week that statement is no longer true.