Ferocious Gratitude

Stubborn little woman.

Address the pain……………… Acknowledge the fatigue.

24 hours looms large as a whole.

Break it down into moments.

“I can make memories with the couch or with the people I love.”

Stubborn little woman.

Snowed in for days……..I’m going too……I’ll recover later………It’s Thanksgiving for fucks sake……….

Keep your heart fierce.

A body is just a body after all.

We made the trek down the mountain, through the grocery store, and back up the mountain. As you can see, Jase has a pack on his back and on the front. That’s my pack. I had the job of carrying the chips and tofu. Even that was too much.

I carried the pain and the fatigue. We had a chat: “Listen here you 2 fuckers, if you insist on being in my life, I will demand on my way from time to time. You WILL NOT destroy me today. Because, you see, I’m a stubborn little woman. Put on your boots, lets go.”

Romancing The Snow

I love a good romance.

The gut wrenching, snot producing kind.

The ones that haunt you years after you’ve seen them……..so you watch them again, and again……

You know the ones. They make you FEEL.

I’ve been feeling plenty the past few days.

Jase and I are snowed in. Buried on the side of a mountain under 30 inches of snow. The man who plows is OUT OF TOWN. We live in a small community that is not part of the “city”. We are on our own up here.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. My 3rd son Archie flies in tonight. And this my friends is what our refrigerator looks like:

Clean as a fucking whistle.

I had to cancel our grocery order (I’m sick remember) because there’s no way to get all the food up here.

Jase. Romantic Jase.

He is in town as I type. He romanced the snow and got my truck the 2 miles to the bottom of the mountain. Downhill is the do~able part.

He is at the grocery store with a back pack purchasing simple items that he is going to HIKE BACK UP TO THE HOUSE. The truck won’t make it back. The families in our community are all parked at the bottom of the mountain. Everyone has to hike to and fro.

Later, he’s going to hike his gorgeous 6 foot 3 body back down the mountain and drive an hour to the airport to retrieve my son. Then he’s going to hike back up with Archie, carrying Archie’s luggage.

This is a romance film I won’t forget.

I don’t want to watch it ever again, but I’ll never forget it.

I’m on the sidelines being frustrated as hell with my body.

The healthy me would be hiking back up and down this mountain, showing it who’s boss. I would be hiking with my son, creating holiday memories to laugh about in the years to come.

Instead I will whip him up the most badass peanut butter and honey thanksgiving sandwich he’s ever sunk his teeth into. And I’ll serve it with gratitude, a smile and a giant hug.

I feel hurt by the client who’s house I was supposed to clean today. She’s hosting 20 in her brand-new mansion. Her floors wont’ be clean and she’s pissed. She thinks I still live in my previous location, not remembering I moved to the mountain 6 months ago. I received a long text stating she will have to find someone else to do her floors etc….later another text saying her husband, bless this man, reminded her of where I now live and he’d be happy to do the floors. No apology. I think I still have a job.

I feel like an object, an afterthought.

Disposable

My pain is real……hers is just as real…….pain is pain.

You’ve got a man romancing the snow for you……..now that I think about it maybe I should have rent him out to scrub floors for the holiday’s. We could turn this into a real Cinderella story.

A Proper Ass~hat

When you are asked to purchase coffee, please remember to take it out of the car when you get home.

If by chance you forget, and 30 inches of snow falls while you sleep, be a proper ass~hat.

Dig it out for your coffee deprived girlfriend.

The Forgotten Beet

It’s a beet.

Forgot it in the oven last night.

It was remembered upon bed time.

The oven was turned off.

The beet was forgotten again until this afternoon.

The least I could do was give it a face. The poor thing grew a mouth and a mole above it’s lip.

It’s now a dignified beet. There’s a stark resemblance to Gonzo.

On The Outside Looking In

Life can feel like something we caught out of the corner of our eye, instead of the rich experience it is meant to be.

Fighting numbness in our daily routine is a battle worth fighting. Put on your armor and get to task.

Stand on the outside of your life. Take a look from a different angle.

What do you see dear one?

I laid in bed last night, my body screaming with pain, worrying about money, unable to sleep. I took the med the doc prescribed and hours later was crying my eyes out still unable to sleep. I woke Jase and took a second med……..still no sleep…..meditation……reading…..pacing about the house…….thinking about my upcoming brain MRI…….the kids coming for the holidays…….

Today, I saw adventure.

I stood outside our fully furnished rented cabin with Cricket and looked inside. We’ve been on a 3 year adventure that’s still being written.

I saw our books strewn about, our favorite spots on the couch, the orchid still in bloom from a sweet girl embarking on her first year in college, the succulents given to me by a dear friend. The furniture we don’t own and wont have to fuck with when we decide to move on. The view, oh my god, the view we wake up to every morning.

I heard the conversations and arguments that have made our relationship stronger, the dinners with my boys, the tender moments and laughter. The joy Cricket brings everyday.

We don’t own any of it, but holy shit, we are here, this is our life right now. I waste days worrying and feeling anxious about my health and finances. I worry for my children’s safety. I’m wasting what’s in front of me.

Worry is eating me from the inside out.

So I stood on the outside and took a look with in.

Reckless Abandon

photo by me

Love YOURSELF with reckless abandon.

What are the consequences of listening to YOUR own heart?

Be still and listen to what YOU have to say.

Snuff out the lie that everyone has their lives together except YOU.

YOU have what it takes.

Who would YOU be if nothing were “wrong” with YOU?

What would YOU be doing if you didn’t give a fuck about other’s opinions?

Love YOURSELF my friend……………Love YOURSELF recklessly……….

Sheepish Wisdom

Dear Mr. Bighorn.

Thank you for reminding us to be sure footed.

When life feels overwhelming and we don’t know where to step, you remind us to look for the tiny ledge. 2 inches is all we need.

If we keep our eyes open, we won’t miss the opportunities hidden in the rocky ground.

I pass through this canyon twice a day and had the privledge of listening to Mr. Big Horn’s wisdom yesterday…….