Wanting to feel better is the biggest waiting game I’ve ever played. My health has been a gradually declining shit storm for the past 4 years and it’s coming to a head.
I’m gathering all the info I can via blood tests, medical professionals, books and my own hunches. I’m trying to steer clear of “Google” as I find it to be a watered down “copy and paste” situation when it comes to finding answers.
I have days where barely a smile crosses my lips and that pisses me off. I dig for anything to make me laugh. Anything to get my mind off how shitty I feel, how I’m going to pay my bills and how my credit card debt is increasing rather than decreasing. How I’m 44 and have been working my ass off after getting divorced trying to build a reasonable life for myself only to hit a wall.
One negative thought can create a spiral down the rabbit hole. In just a few minutes I’ve catastrophized my life into homelessness and dying alone in a dumpster.
Yesterday the thing to make me laugh was my boyfriend’s face after giving me a hug. I hadn’t showered in four days and my head smelled like sour milk. I’m laughing now just remembering his face………He was amazed that I actually had an odor, as he tells me I never smell. I told him my sour sick mood is seeping though my pores.
I am being stripped bare. I have nothing left for my Ego to attach itself too. There’s nothing I can offer except being vulnerable. I’m a 44 year old divorced mother of 4 boys who scrubs peoples toilets for a living, I have debt, my savings is dry and I don’t have a college degree. My career was raising children. According to the worlds standards I am not a success and I’m ok with that. This is my reality. My story is not that unique.
What I can do is be kind to myself and to others no matter how fucking awful I feel. I’m not the only person who is struggling. My struggles are no worse than anyone else’s.
I will close with 5 things I like about myself. Please share yours in the comments below, lets start a self love fest! Wow, it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be…….
- My weird sense of humor and love of swearing
- My attention to detail, sometimes it’s a curse
- Making others laugh even at my expense
- Love of learning
- Being drawn to the weird and unusual